So you're starting to learn some dating skills and you start going out and at some point in time you ask a girl for her number, to which she replies "Well let's be Facebook friends, let me give you my name." You're like "SCORE! Just Facebook-closed a hottie, YES!!! I'm gonna fuck her in no time!" You're an excited guy about this seeming success, but how does it go after that?
Well ideally you'd message or chat the girl, then get her real number and talk over the phone, arrange a meetup, then go out and eventually have sex. The problem with this is that even though it sounds promising to facebook close a girl, the reality is that it's going to be much more difficult for you than you might think. Let's look at this situation more closely and examine what's REALLY happening.
The first thing to be a bit wary about when you ask for a girl's number and get the "Facebook me" response is WHY a girl would do this. Ask yourself "If we're talking already and i've done a good job picking up, then shouldn't she want to talk again? Then why when I ask to talk to her again would she want to change our medium of communication to one where we're not talking?"
The overwhelming reason why girls let guys Facebook-close them is because it's an easy way of letting guys down who they're not really attracted to. The girl doesn't want to be mean about letting the guy down, and she knows that if she "friends" the guy that he'll often take it as a good thing and go away after that or turn into an orbiter, so the decision to exchange Facebook info is a pretty smart decision for her. The payoff is that the girl is creating an additional degree of seperation between herself and the guy or gaining another orbiter.
Yes, the guy still has a small chance to make it work, but it's certainly not looking good for him at this point. We already know that the girl's not super into him, so first he'd have to change that via mail or chat. After that he'd have to get her number and talk with her, then get her to meet out. The problem is that at the point she's giving out facebook info she already is denying that she even wants to talk on the phone. More than likely what will happen is that he'll friend her, checkout her pictures, try to message her, and will get ignored.
When i'm in a situation like this where the girl's not quite attracted enough to give me digits, I like to quickly up the attraction a bit by running another attraction routine or talking a bit more then ask for the number again. I also need to be realistic and understand that this girl might just not be super into me for whatever reason, so I shouldn't waste too much time trying to stick around and create attraction either. A terrible result would be to try for another 20 minutes and have the girl not really blow me out but not care if I stand there and try really hard, because then i've just wasted my own time and made myself feel stupid.
My favorite thing to do when I ask a girl for her number and she suggests "Oh, why don't you just facebook me" is to say the following:
Oh you wanna be my facebook friend? You're right I don't think we're quite ready yet for the phone either. Okay what's your name? (wait for her to say it and then interrupt her with the following): Actually you know what, Facebook is a little forward for me. I tell you what, you know what we should do? We should be pen pals. Did you ever have a penpal in like Africa when you were like 8? Lets do that! Actually no, really that's feeling like too much for me too. Okay okay, I got it! Here's what i'm going to do. I'm gonna go onto... Craigslist... and i'm gonna make a post in the next few days in the "Missed Connections" section. I'm gonna write "Hey, met you in X place doing X thing (use the details of where the place you're both at) and I realize you really liked me a lot and I didn't give you a chance. Hoping to connect with you soon." Then, if you happen to be on craigslist going through the missed connections section, then you can maybe respond to my add and we can work from there. Who knows, maybe we could message awhile, then start talking on the phone, then MAYBE someday we could like have a conversation on the phone. C'mon, just gimme your number girl.
Got it? Basically you're showing the girl in a playful way that you understand what she's doing, then you're switching it around on her so that you're the one creating degrees of seperation with her that she's got to overcome. This confronts the girl with the fact that what she's doing is really obviously kinda stupid and lets her know that you're not a social retard. This, combined with the end where you're like "gimme a break with that crap, just give me your number" will often be enough to get her attention and get her number. If not, you're done wasting your time with the girl and you can move on to the next.
Now having said all this, there is one situation where a facebook close might be the way to go. This would be when the girl is in the venue with her boyfriend and you're both time-pressed because he's coming back soon from the bathroom or something. In this situation where she really CAN'T have you calling/texting, it might be better for you to arrange meetups, etc. over facebook until her situation with the boyfriend changes.
And by the way, Facebook closes aren't all bad, if the girl gives you her number first and then when you're texting she asks for your Facebook info or last name. This falls into the category of normal behavior where she just wants to check you and your life out. I always allow a girl to friend me when it happens along with her giving me her phone number.
So there you have it. Girls are responding to guys in smart ways that fulfill their needs and often not yours, so take the smart road and be prepared for this situation and you might come out on top (of her hopefully) next time instead of ending up with one more "hot chick" you facebook closed. Unless of course you enjoy smacking it to her photos :)
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Interesting post.
ReplyDeleteThis actually hasn't really happened to me so far.
However...what I have sometimes done is after getting a girls number tell her to add me on facebook after a few texts. I often add something like 'I need to check your activity to see you're not weird'. I have done this quite a few times. Both after I closed a girl after like 5 minutes in the day. I also started telling girls when I get their number at night to put in their last name too and then add them on facebook. Oh, last thing, I also told girls I met online to add me on facebook after a few exchanges. (Would be same email as pitching a meeting probably).
My reasoning is kind of. She met me. Found me attractive, but maybe can't even remember me all that well and knows nothing about me. Then we become facebook friends, she checks out my profile, looks at pictures and gains additional trust this way which makes the meetup easier. (My fb profile is okay but not like outstanding)
Now as far as results go...I'm not quite sure, but I think it is working. I haven't done this all that often, but I almost always ended up meeting this girls IRL. OTOH, I recently had a few times when it was 100% on both during day and at night and then I couldn't get a second meeting.
I'd be curious what your view is?
Wow, somehow this comment fell through the cracks for a long time. Sorry about that.
DeleteGreat question though. This is a totally different situation! In the situation I talk about, the girl is creating an additional layer of separation between her and the guy, and in your situation you're actually escalating things by giving her your Facebook. In an online dating case i would say exchanging FB info is a great step to take.
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ReplyDeleteGot a question about this in 30/30 club about whether or not you should add girls as a part of your game, like when things aren't going poorly and you think it could help. Personally, I usually don't add girls to Facebook unless either I think it'll help my case or I've already fucked the girl.
ReplyDeleteIf the girl wants an add in-set and I say no, she'll want an explanation and i'll tell her "Well I really try to keep it strictly to closer friends and family. You know why? CAUSE GIRLS ARE FUCKING CRAZY! I'll like give my info out to some girl who seems cool at a bar and I'm like "Okay her group was fun maybe we'll run into each other or something" and then it's like fucking Thunderdome on my FB page within seconds! I'll get complete onslaught of posting, she'll comment on my photos, my front page, post pictures of her doing duckfaces and shit. Then i'll wake up the next day and my friends'll start asking who she is and then before I know it through meeting a random at a bar, kinda like you :P, i've got a total stage 5 clinger on my hands. Not worth it." When she empathizes with me a bit (and she will cause she'll think she has to), then i'll tell her in a very slightly sternly way "I really don't know you THAT well yet. Maybe later on if you're not crazy i'll add you, but for now... NO WAY :P"
"C'mon, just gimme your number girl."
ReplyDeleteThat sounds needy man. An alternative is to call it out:
"Ah... that's cool, if you're not interested it's okay"
This is usually followed by a stream of bullshit which may contain an excuse to meet up if you listen carefully enough.
I can see how you might think it sounds needy, but in this case not only am I not using needy tonality, when it's prefaced with that whole paragraph before it, the phrase functions more like i'm about to give up on her. I'll use the same tonality as something like "Get over yourself already." It cuts through the bullshit of what's going on.
DeleteAs for "Ah... that's cool, if you're not interested it's okay," I would never say that because it communicates:
1. I admit defeat
2. I was interested (validates the girl)
3. I recognize you're not interested
4. It's okay
5. I kinda didn't expect you to be attracted anyway.
5. I'm about to give up to save face because I realize i'm not good enough for you.
Instead of admitting defeat and validating the girl, I like to label the girl's behavior to break her frame, and what i'm doing in the paragraph above is not only labeling the girl's behavior, but embracing and extending the concept to essentially tell her how retarded she's being by attempting that frame on me. I've found this is the best way to bust her frame.
If you do really feel you'll communicate neediness through saying it though, then you've got two options:
1. Work on it until you can communicate the correct tonality, knowing you'll fuck it up a few times before getting it right
2. Don't do it
Either way works, and once you reach an intermediate skill level in pickup there's really no reason to say something that you don't like anyway, so I say go with what you like.