Women are tough to understand when you're new to gaming and even sometimes when you're at an advanced level. When I was new to learning dating skills, I had NO CLUE whether or not a girl liked me or not. Not one. Knowing whether or not a girl liked me was a complete guess from beginning to end, but now that i'm a bit more seasoned, there are signs that are so obvious to me that they glow in bold like big bright neon signs. AND!... even when those signs don't exist, I've got some methods that I use to make it obvious to me whether or not I should keep trying with the girl. So let me tell you about how I like to gain clarity...
This morning I texted a girl who I haven't had sex with in a couple of months. We dated for some odd 6-9 months and after I went to Thanksgiving with some close friends and loose relatives of hers, she informed me the next day that "My mom and everyone give you the seal of approval... even though you're not my boyfriend." Uh oh.
I knew immediately that since this girl had never given me a DTR yet, this conversation made it pretty obvious to me that she not only wanted me as a boyfriend, but that the clock was ticking on how much longer she was going to try. The thing for me was I loved hanging around with this girl, the sex was getting amazing, and I really didn't want her to go away, however, this girl smokes and drinks a FUCK-TON, so for me it's tough to take a girl seriously who in my mind doesn't take herself and her own well-being that seriously, after all, serious (to me) means exclusive and on the track towards more serious things, like obviously long-term and possibly marriage, kids, etc. The problem was that neither of us had communicated any of these thoughts and feelings yet, and neither of us were willing to start that conversation.
Shortly after thanksgiving we were both heavy into our jobs, and as a result neither of us had much time for the other. After trying a few more times taking the initiative to hangout, I stopped texting and making effort for a bit until I texted her around the holidays, thinking she would make time for me then. She didn't, saying she was very busy with double shifts, etc. I didn't want to be the guy who keeps trying and trying, and after giving it like 3 or 4 initiated text strings it was clear to me that for whatever reason she didn't want to make the effort to hangout with me. So... confident in the knowledge that if I gave her a couple months she would be back, I decided to just stop communicating.
*Side note: This confidence in a girl coming back comes from these things:
1. Us having a genuine connection
2. Me having confidence in myself, knowing there aren't more balanced guys than myself out there
3. Abundance. I know i'll simply move on and find another woman. This is easy for me because i've done the "tough work" of learning and changing myself already. In 2.3 seconds I can text 10 other women who will go out with me in a heartbeat.
4. Experience. When you let a girl have her space, she always comes back.
5. We have unfinished business.
New years passes and so does most of January. Remember we haven't seen each other since the end of November, almost two months now. She reinitiates texting, saying she's been a bad friend and she's sorry. She's been busy, and blah blah what am I up to? She stops by my work, says hi, we briefly discuss what went wrong, and I do a quick job of mending things, telling her that we should've just communicated better, etc. We make tentative plans to hangout, and then again she's unavailable for a week plus, citing double shifts at work, etc.
What would you do in this situation? You've tried and tried (without neediness!) and you've got a girl who you like and have a great connection with, yet she's got some habits you don't see yourself being able to deal with in the long-term (who wants a constantly drunk smoker for a baby's momma/wife?) Now you've been through a couple months of not having sex with her, and you feel like this pattern of having no time to see each other isn't going to stop anytime soon. So? What would you do?
The reality here for me is that I need to gain some clarity and "shit or get off the pot" so to say. In other words, I would like to date this girl more, but before that would happen we'd have to have a good chat about the smoking/drinking, and how we're going to make time for one another. If those things happen then i'm down, but I'm certainly not down for waiting another 4+ weeks to communicate again. My patience is running out quickly.
In situations like this where my patience is running out, the plan of action for me is to gain clarity (without being bitter or needy or impatient!!! This needs to be with a neutral energy), this way things either move forward or they don't and I can take action to get closure and move on. If you've followed this story this far, here's where your reading pays off. My strategy with women is to gain clarity and understanding both of where i'm at with the woman and where she's at with me. When i've got that clarity, I simply make a decision and immediately take action, PERIOD. If I don't have clarity, I take action to gain it so that I can make a decision and move on with my life. This strategy is somewhat simple and goes for all women, including the ones I met one second ago, the ones i'm trying to get on a date for the first time, and the ones i've been seeing for months or even years. I'm constantly aware or seeking to be aware of the present state of our relationship.
The example above was somewhat lengthy I know, but I walked you through it on purpose because I wanted to show you an extreme and specific example of one of the only situations where I will be the most direct, open, and frank that I can be in order to gain an absolutely clear perspective on what's going on. In the situation with the girl above, I chose to take action this morning by texting her a series of texts that will provide me with undeniable clarity of the situation. If the girl texts me and makes an effort to hangout, then we'll have a long chat and go from there. If she does anything other than that it will result in instant death for her. In other words, I will take action by ceasing to put any effort at all into her. What series of texts did I use to gain the absolute clarity necessary to take action definitively? Here they are:
Me: Hey! This weekend i'm teaching but I want to make it clear to you that I would very much like to see you! I work 7pm to 2am Friday and Saturday nights and Sunday 2-8pm. (end text)
Me: However, this in-limbo stuff isn't exactly enjoyable, so it's gonna be harder and harder for me to hang in there with things after too long here... (end text)
Me: I'm trying ;)
I sent three texts, one after another, specifically waiting a few seconds in between each text to communicate my thought process. Note the positivity I show even amongst adversity! I wanted to be clear that I am enthusiastic about seeing her, but also let her know gently that i'm not going to hangout forever waiting around for her without her seeing me or making time for me (this communicates abundance btw). I also wanted to be openly vulnerable to her about me giving things a solid try (hence the last text) so that i'll know that I put in the effort to make things work. This allows me to have some closure with things because I know I did the best I could to make things work and it was her choice for things to die out. The 1, 2, 3 punch of these texts also puts some subtle yet strong pressure on her, but not in the style of an ultimatum because i'm asking her to do something and telling her what will happen if she doesn't, i'm not demanding that she do anything.
Saying this in an entirely different way, I will move on, and if and when I do I'll do so knowing FOR SURE that she wasn't going to make time for me and it wasn't worth my effort to continue with things because of the vulnerability i've shown to her. This is an aggressive, calculated, strong way to act! Can you see how effective it is for her, for me, and for our relationship? I think it's the perfect storm, and i'll be sure to keep you posted on what happens in my next blog post.
Remember, this is only one example of what i'll do with women, and i've posted it here because it's the most extreme. There are many other less extreme examples of ways i'll gain clarity in a relationship no matter what phase of the relationship we might be in, but I wanted to start with this example because it demonstrates a very uncommon behavior that i'll engage in only under extreme circumstances. This girl deserves this clarity from me because I did not give it to her in the past.
That about wraps it up for today. Now that you've got a clearer understanding of how to be the most clear you can be with a woman about your status with her, in my next blogpost i'm going to go over some not-so-extreme examples of how to gain clarity in situations that are WAY less clear, like when you first meet a girl, when you're trying to get her to go out with you for the first time (this one's possibly the most talked about in the community that i've heard), and how to gain clarity after the first time you've had sex when you're wondering if it'll happen again and whether or not it was good for her. Until then, keep making progress on your game and have a great weekend!