So my relationship with the D11 girl is officially over. And it didn't end how you would think...
As I do many weekends, the weekend of April 27th was a coaching weekend. I had two one-on-one trainings scheduled for the weekend, so I told my D11 girl that I couldn't hangout Friday or Saturday night because I was working. Now since I've only slept with this girl a few times, I hadn't quite gotten to the part where I tell her i'm a dating instructor yet. You can imagine her surprise when she saw me in a popular Hollywood bar in the middle of a 7-set talking with one of the hottest women in the bar...
At one point in my demo, David Shade whispered to me to try and let me know that he saw my D11 girl walk in, and when he did he mis-pronounced her name so I couldn't really figure out what he meant. Instead of a girl's name I heard a guy's name, and it was more like "WTF?" than "gotcha, adjusting game now."
Now these days I screen hard, and by hard I mean that if I don't see myself adding a girl to my rotation for a possible long-term relationship, she won't even get my phone number. And that's exactly what happened with the girl from this demo set. Though she was extremely hot, I decided in the end that she wasn't quite a match for me so I didn't take her number.
Not taking the demo girl's number could've turned out to be a good thing, because a few minutes after the set my D11 girl walked up to me with an angry look on her face. Now since the 5 people watching me (a woman included) couldn't figure out if I liked the demo girl or not, I felt pretty confident that i'd be on okay terms with my D11 chick. After all, it's not like I had a makeout or anything, it probably just looked like the girl I was talking to liked me. Nonetheless, in the mind of my D11 girl I was supposed to be at work, not in the club talking to girls.
I talked with my girl for a couple of minutes, trying to communicate that I actually was at work, but as you can imagine it was like she had blinders on. We ended the conversation with a kiss though, and she was off.
So.... now i've got a pissed off chick who thinks i've lied to her, I thought. What should I do? I decided to text her a calm-ish text so that I could meet her up the next day and explain everything.
Me: Good seeing you babe! I know it seems weird that i'm out. I'll explain everything tomorrow when we hangout. Have fun tonight and i'll be done at 2-2:30 if you're up ;)
I got no response from this, so the next day I texted her asking if she wanted to hit Runyon Canyon (a common walking / workout destination with views of Los Angeles). She says she just got back from there so I tell her i'm going to workout and then maybe we can hangout in a couple hours. This time she says she's got a barbecue at a friend's place so she can't. I text her something like "No worries. I want to see you before I leave (to the midwest, I was about to head back home for a couple weeks)... I don't feel like i've seen you enough since i've been back." She replies "Ok babe."
At this point I change my game plan. I've already tried 3+ times now to talk to this girl in person and it's not working. It's obvious to me at this point that she's pissed off, and if any of you know Israeli women, they can be quite stubborn in this department. She won't barely even text me, so I feel like calling her is out of the question. I feel like i've tried chasing now quite a bit more than I normally would, so I decide just to jump on a plane and GTFO.
I get back home and realize that it's probably not the best move to not tell her where i'm at or that i've left town, so I text her a picture of the random snow that just happened and tell her I just got back to the midwest. She sends me back a reply that's short again, so this time I wait two weeks until i'm back to text again. When I text her I try and meet up again and she turns me down... for the eleventy-ith time in a row. DAMN! But again, I still haven't discussed that i'm a dating instructor, so I still decide to try and give her some slack. Nonetheless, while we're texting she gets upset about me not texting for two weeks, then tells me "I am also dating someone."
Hold on a second, I think to myself. Let's quickly checkout this statement for validity. Is she dating someone else?
The facts: It took me awhile to hookup with this girl (though I was admittedly taking it slow), so the two weeks that I was gone, could she have given up things with me in her mind, met a new guy, hooked up with him, and now be dating him? Yep, this is possible. It wouldn't be very far along with the guy though if she has. My guess is she could've gotten pissed, felt like I didn't want her, needed to re-validate, and went out and fucked someone. Obviously it's possible that she hasn't fucked a guy yet, but given the tendency of Israeli women to go from zero to 100% pissed off forever in the blink of an eye, it's a definite possibility.
Furthermore, what did this girl want from me? How did she expect for me to get her back, or did she? In my experience, girls in these types of situations seem to want the man to almost BEG to get the her back. The problem I have with that is I think it puts the woman in the driver's seat in the relationship, and from there it's difficult to regain dominance or respect. Is there a way to remain dominant through this type of a situation? Once a guy has begged once, anytime the girl gets upset she'll expect the guy to do the same begging, and that begging creates a value discrepancy and ruins attraction. So what's the right move? I'll get to that...
For now let's continue.
With that text about "I'm dating someone," the texting changes from crisis management to a full-on breakup situation.
We keep texting, and to make a very long story short, my strategy at this point is to tell her about my job in an attempt to frame this issue we're having as a mis-communication instead of me lying to her (which happens to be the truth). When I can frame an issue in the relationship as a communication issue and not either person's fault, i've found that I can often save the relationship through doing so. AND! Even if it isn't saved immediately and the girl decides to call things off, often i've found she'll later come back to me. It might take 3 months or it might take 2 years, but it's been my experience that a very high percentage of women will come back eventually (easily over 50%).
Usually she will come back after a couple of things have happened, like after she has:
1. Dated one or a couple of guys and realized they suck (and they always will! Afterall, who can have better dating skills than me? It sounds arrogant, however, this is a VERY positive affirmation to make to oneself. Remember, at this very moment YOU are taking the time to learn about women and dating, and that makes you far more suited for a relationship than the next guy).
2. Looked back on the relationship and realized that it wasn't broken up for good reason.
3. Gets lonely
4. She calms down and realizes the relationship was a very good thing, not a bad one.
I tell her via a super long text that i'm a dating instructor and it's true that I was working (plus details) and she replies one of the funniest texts I think i've ever gotten:
Her: Jake please. I have hard time to believe it. But that's a great excuse.
Holy shit that was funny to me.
We keep texting and she tells me she was upset that I didn't call her for two weeks. She continues to say she's dating someone a couple times, and then she tells me "Don't be upset at yourself, just learn from it." Ha! Oh how I love women trying to teach me lessons about dating...
*A side note: Women try to give men "lessons" on how to talk to a woman, and they do it all the time. Take these with a grain of salt and ask when you have a question about the advice they give. Many times the advice just points out a social error, and seldom is the advice solid and something you should implement.*
Now at this point it's pretty obvious to me that things are over, at least for now. Add to that the part where the girl tries to teach me a lesson and instinctively I feel like saying something bitter or negative to her in response. This is a natural feeling that a man has in this situation. However, I don't act on it for any reason ever... no matter what. Instead, i've found it's a far better strategic play to remain completely vulnerable. This way I haven't burned any bridges, and later on when she re-analyzes the relationship she won't be able to reason that I was in the wrong, especially when she shows her girlfriends my texts. Instead, it'll be obvious that she was in the wrong and has made a mistake, and this is far worse on her mentally then it would be if I say something terrible to provide myself momentary relief from the feelings i'm experiencing. Later on if she decides to come back to me, she'll have learned from the situation, will know what she has, and will be in a better position to be a great girlfriend to me. For these reasons I text her:
Me: I'm trying to be as honest and open with you as I can. I really do enjoy hanging out with you, and I thought we were on the way to something more than just hanging out... (this was in reference to an earlier comment where she said she's not looking for games or to hook up. Funny though, that in the week and a half that I was gone that's exactly what she says she did! haha. Can you see the emotional impermanence happening?).
Me: I really would like to continue to see you
She tells me "Maybe it just wasn't meant to be" and I text her "Ok. I tried..."
And that's it. I always want to remain vulnerable and communicate to a woman that i'm trying to do what's best for us, even when the relationship is possibly ending. This both leaves things open for the future and gives me closure. After making this effort, I know beyond any doubt that i've done the best I could to keep the relationship going, and when faced with intention for what's best, she has decided she does not want that. This enables me to move on without any doubt and subsequent thought or wonder about her or us. I simply know that it wasn't going to happen and can immediately move on to what's next for me. Simple, accurate, and without harm... that's the best way to end things.
So let's jump back to my question from earlier.
What did this girl "want" from me after she had seen me out that night and gotten pissed off?
Well first and foremost, I think she wanted to be communicated to. She also at that point needed to be re-validated that I wanted her and I wasn't just out doing this because she wasn't good enough. As I said, my actions likely caused her to feel like she wasn't good enough for me. In this case I was in the wrong (she thought), so at that point it became my responsibility to try and communicate with her about what happened, even though I knew I hadn't done anything wrong.
I did feel like I had tried to communicate with her a few times. However, I didn't want to be too aggressive with calling or texting because I didn't want my texts to make it seem like I thought I was guilty. The reality though was that I did seem VERY guilty, so I should've probably just called her or forced her to see me so that we could clean things up in person. Maybe something like "I'm coming over and we're going to talk about this" would've been a better play.
So what's the best course of action when we're in "trouble" with a girl??? I like to try and communicate openly and honestly with the girl, while remaining dominant. This means when i'm in the wrong, I admit I was wrong, tell her I apologize, and communicate frankly that I would still like to continue to see her, and if not, then "I can understand if you don't want to continue seeing me." To me this is a far better choice than the more traditional choices men make, like begging her for forgiveness, asking for her back multiple times, saying your sorry over and over, or getting bitter and angry and lashing out.
In the end, when a woman leaves you after you've communicated well, maintained dominance, and resisted the urge to say terrible things with her, you can be sure that she'll at least respect you when it's all over. You've also got the best chance possible that she might come back.
*edit* I had almost completed this blog post and was going to post it yesterday, then something happened.
A couple months earlier I had helped her with her car, and she texted me upset that it hadn't been fixed and still had problems. Anytime a girl texts you after a relationship you should take it as her trying to re-establish communications, as I did yesterday when she texted. However, I still won't take a girl back until she becomes submissive or addresses me correctly, because I don't want to restart things if it's not in the right place.
Though she seems like she's mad and wants me to fix her car, I don't want to guess what she wants from me and I'm not the type of guy to fall down and do anything a girl wants from me, so instead I text her "What exactly are you trying to ask me for?" so that I can know. She tells me that she wants her car fixed or wants me to send her to someone who will continue the work I started for her, and does so in quite an aggressive and demanding tone. Because she addresses me in a tone I don't like and because I both don't know where to go and don't owe her anything (I simply gave her advice before), I text her: "Go to yelp.com" (even though texting me frivolous bullshit is further evidence that she's trying to re-establish communication).
She continues her negative vibe, texting me three more angry texts. Because these texts demonstrate to me that this girl tries to get her way through negative means, I decide that I don't want to support this behavior and that I will lose the girl on purpose if she doesn't change her behavior. To make this happen, I text her: "Please don't text me anymore."
She responds with two texts:
Her: I don't have any enemies and don't want to have one now. So pls find me a solution. Thanks
Her: Be fair as a man and don't act like it is not your concern.
Again here it's obvious that she's using negative energy and sub-communication to try and manipulate my behavior. The first text sub-communicates that she'll have an enemy if I don't find her a solution and that enemy will be me. The "Thanks" part isn't a genuine thanks obviously, it's instead a demeaning demand, almost like a "do it now" kind of princess thing. The second text she tries to attack my manhood, sub-communicating that a man would do what she wants, or that i'll be a man if I do what she wants. That's just not true. I'm a man already and my behavior since this issue has been up-front, direct, open, vulnerable, and honest. I believe that's how a man acts in these types of situations.
So now what should I text? Should I dead air?
My initial instinct is to dead air her, but at this point I don't want her to think i'm actually considering what she has to say. I've now learned that she's the type of woman who would seek to damage me instead of communicate in a healthy way, so I really do want her to go away and quit bothering me. I text her: "Lol, bye."
After that, she texted me four times in a row, all similar texts to the previous two, abusive in nature and demeaning to my manhood.
So as you can see, this whole thing is looking over now for good. I've had some women in this situation actually realize that they were in the wrong and apologize, and if this girl did that I would give her another shot at me, but for now she's a big N-O and i'll just move on.
So why this huge blogpost about all this? I wanted to demonstrate what techniques I use in breakup or crisis type situations and show that when done correctly they yield a very high rate of return. The women VERY often will come back, even stubborn ones like this one. In the end though, just because they come back doesn't mean i'll want them back, as was the case with this girl. I'll continue to keep you guys posted on anything that happens. As for anyone reading, I'd recommend you try this stuff out when you've got a crisis on your hands! Come clean, and remain not bitter or angry as you be vulnerable, frame the situation as a mis-communication, and then let the girl know that even though X has happened, you'd still like to see her. When you use these techniques, you've got the best shot at the girl coming back to you later on so that things can move forward in a more positive and healthy way. AND, when they don't, you'll have the closure you need to move on confidently without wondering "what if?..."
Thanks for reading.