Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Approach through the bad results.

Are you having some trouble getting yourself motivated to approach, or you're just not approaching at all? I see this in a huge number of students! It's okay, you're not dead yet. Let me tell you what's going on.

The reason we don't approach is because the negative emotions we associate with approaching (and it possibly going wrong/causing us to have an unknown, possibly hurtful result) are outweighing the positive emotions that could result from the approach. Add in a bit of fear and you've got a cocktail that'll get you a hell of a "not now" buzz in a hurry.

So how can we get around this?
Tony robbins says that repeated taking of action is the mother of skill. This means that to get skillfull at anything, we've got to take repeated action. In the case of approaching, we've got to program our brain to believe that the pleasure we get from meeting women will outweigh the short term pains that WILL result.

The first step to relieving some of the fear of approaching is acceptance. Yes, there are going to be times that you feel like a total idiot for approaching, and times that you fail miserably. In fact, the guys who get the best with women are the guys who have failed the most and learned from it. Every one, no exceptions! So try and seperate those negative feelings by accepting that it's realistic to feel these things and it's just part of the process. In fact, when you feel like you messed up an approach terribly, it means there's one less mistake that you could possibly make on the next approach, so nice work you're succeeding already.

The next step to getting over a spell of not approaching is to begin to associate pleasure with the process of approaching. Getting in the habit of approaching regularly can be very tough, and the first month or two is definitely the toughest, so really allow yourself to feel great about when you do go out and approach, no matter how many approaches you do or how you're treated by those around you.

The fact is that this process does take a good amount of time to get good, so if we base our emotions on the results we get from women, and those results are bad in the beginning, we'll never get good at approach because we won't be able to last through the bad results long enough to start seeing the good ones. All we can do to get good at meeting women is go out tonight and get better than we'd be if we hadn't gone out, so if you're doing that and immersed in the process than pat yourself on the back cause you're on your way.


  1. That's exactly where I am right now. Actually, I'm carrying around a lot of negativity about the whole process.

    1) "Sarging" (even the word makes me cringe) = spending hours in crowded, noisy environments filled with obnoxious drunk people while wearing uncomfortable clothing. I still don't understand how to have fun in a bar or club, and when you add approach related stress to the mix, the result is usually Netflix, pizza and a cold beer at home.

    2) Following up, dates, overcoming resistance, etc. seems like a lot of time and work. Brad's example of a student "seducing an Eastern European girl in under five hours" doesn't inspire me - the idea of spending that much time trying to seduce a girl makes me tired (mostly because my most likely outcome right now is spending the time and not getting laid).

    It all makes me long for my married days of easy sex one or two times per least until I remember how much the divorce process sucks for guys.

    Any tips for changing my attitude? I know your post said to associate pleasure with approaching, but I'm not sure how to do that exactly.

    I know I can't get better with women without actually getting out there and taking action, but getting started with all this negativity and bitterness seems like trying to drive a car with one foot on the brakes.

  2. Hey dude, I am in exactly the same situation...what i think would help would be to have a wingman to go out with me and make sure I do the approaches....then we would be accountable to each other....if you live in London post a comment to this and i could help you out!!