Friday, September 16, 2011

On Insecurity

I wrote a bit in April about Insecurity and I would like to touch again on insecurity and specifically how it relates to experience level.  Now when I was an average frustrated guy, boy was I ever insecure.  I'd worry all the time about losing any girl I met, even if I was just orbiting!  My motivating force?  Fear.  All I could seem to think about was losing her to another guy.  I'd visualize her getting gorilla-fucked by some other random herculean man and it tore me apart.  Obviously it was happening and obviously she had the most screaming orgasm possible.  If you've seen the movie High Fidelity with John Cusack there's a great illustration of this type of thinking.  How can we change this thinking around?

  Fast-forward with me 3+ years completely out of my AFC years (there were many of them) to present day.  After breaking up with a girl for a month and getting back together, she asks me how many people I slept with while we were broken up.  It stuns me.  I have a flash of fear + retardation, and I feel an urgency to answer.  "Uhh, none.  Why?"

WTF?  Why am I saying this?  Later on I dig through my mind a bit and I realize I should've said the truth that I had dated around a bit, but in the moment I had a bit of insecurity.  I had instinctive (not thought out) fear of losing this girl and my only objective in that moment was to say the safest answer I could.  Even after all my training and teaching i've still got an instincive tendency towards being a chump instead of taking a deep breath and letting my experience and developed minset override the urgency of the moment.   The instinctive fear I have is that if she knows I slept with someone (or more than one person), she could get mad and take away sex from my life, right?  Obviously this is not logic at all, it's blind instinct.  In reality she's not going to leave me because I slept with someone else, instead it's going to be attractive to her that i'm a guy who is wanted by other women.  It won't force her to go away.

She tells me she slept with two ex-boyfriends, and that she told them specifically she wanted sex and nothing more.  I realize later that her response is has been highly tailored to my insecurity.  Note the subcommunication:

"I slept with two ex-boyfriends" = I'm not a slut sleeping around with random new people.   Also I feel she's trying to communicate that she's been "safe" and there's nothing to worry about in the disease department.

"I told them I wanted sex and nothing more" = I don't have feelings for them like I do for you.

The overall idea she's communicating is that she's still emotionally into me and hasn't done anything to emotionally cheat even though she's been away.  This is intended to satisfy the insecurities I have likely demonstrated.

Later on that day a battle ensued in my mind while I thought about what had happened and how she had slept with two other guys.  The battle was fought between my instinctive insecurity and my experience.  I decided to dive into my thoughts and be honest about them with myself.  When I did a strange thing happened to me.  My insecure thoughts were overridden by my experiences in real life and the beliefs i've adopted as a result of my experience.  Let me give you a couple examples.

The first thing I thought about was other dudes dicks in my girl.  My reality was that I probably wasnt top notch in the sack.  At best I was okay and extremely unaware of women's true emotions and how those play into sex.  Do this with me for a second if you will.  Think about a girl you've really liked in your past, a one-itis perhaps.  Remember the way you felt (or still feel) about her.  Now think about her getting DP'd or think about some dude gorilla fucking her as she moans in pleasure, having the greatest orgasm ever.  Doesn't feel good, does it?

Years ago, this very thought would almost cause me to cry.  It was very real to me.  However, when I go down this rabbit hole now I can't possibly allow myself to believe it.  Instead, my mind honestly and truthfully says "Nah, we have great sex all the time.  I make her orgasm 90% of the times we have sex, and she can't possibly be emotionally into anyone as much as me.  There's just no way it could be better with that other guy.  She's probably really hurt emotionally, and after sex with him she likely just thinks about me and wants to cry."  I guess this isn't as big a deal as I always thought it was.

The second thing I thought about was what if those dudes were better than me and I lose the girl because they're better.  They probably make more money, drive a nice clean car, and workout all the time.  Basically whatever I lack and am insecure about, that dude is the champion of the world at.  I think many of you guys reading have thought this just as I have.

When I thought about this this time though, I couldn't believe that either.  Instead I thought to myself "Nah, there's no way this dude could possibly be better than me" then in my mind I went through a list of topics that i've worked on extensively.  "I'm in great shape physically, I'm an awesome guy all around, i'm extremely mentally healthy, i'm very much an alpha male, and I don't care if some guy makes more than me cause he likely uses his money to try and get chicks and I know how much that turns girls off.  Really there's no way the dude could be a healthier, more balanced, more abundant guy than me.... AND, if he was, then have fun with her buddy, cause she's a handful to say the least.  I'll just go get another one.

I would.  


So what am I trying to say here?

What i'm trying to communicate to you is that insecurity is sometimes based in truth.  BTW i'm not talking about your dick size, i'm talking about things you actually can change.  If you have an insecurity, you're likely insecure from a lack of experience, and that insecurity won't go away until you gain experience in that area.  Instead it'll stay there, silent and dormant until just the right time when it'll rear it's ugly head up and cause you to lose the girl.

The opposite is true when you've truly done solid work on making yourself a high-quality man, and done so without shortcutting.  When you're met with opportunities to feel insecure and you've done taken the "hard" road, your experience will prove to you that it's not realistic to believe any insecurity that you might think or feel, and success is the only result.  

The solution is clear:  Instead of pushing your thoughts away from you, allow yourself to feel them so that you can understand yourself better and take action towards positive change.  Your thoughts are guiding you towards a direction for growth and opportunity in your life.  Next time you feel insecure in some way, stop and allow yourself to dive in and think about it.  It's okay if you're insecure about things as long as you are aware of them.  Guess what?  Every dude is insecure about something in their life.  It's those of us who do the tough work on ourselves who later overcome those insecurities.

To finish this all up, I wanna write out an example of how I was insecure and how I handled it, so that hopefully it can help anyone who might feel the same way.  This example was my insecurity about my physical health.  If you've got an insecurity that others could benefit from hearing, i'd encourage you to comment on it below.

Insecurity:  My body / Strength / Athletic ability.  I was never a guy who could run the fastest or jump the highest.  I was never in shape or considered to have a good body by women.  I was never muscular.  I couldn't make the baseball or basketball teams, though I tried multiple times.  The only reason I made the football team is cause they didn't turn down anyone.

How I dealt this in an unhealthy way:  I told myself that I didn't want to be one of those muscle-type dudes flexing all over the place and being try-hard to get women.  By thinking of them in a way that was bad and telling myself that I didn't want to be that way, it gave me an excuse to be lazy and continue my pattern of insecurity in this area of my life.

What I did to overcome this insecurity:  After seeking help from Brad to learn about women, I realized that there are things in life that I can't do on my own, and that it's okay to go and get someone who's good at them to help me.  In fact, it's efficient!  Whatever the skill, whatever the goal, there's someone in this world who is a fucking master at like anything you could imagine.  Seek them out, model them, and you'll fix whatever you'd like to fix in a quick amount of time.

After realizing this, I started thinking about getting a personal trainer, and one day I talked about it with a friend.  I told him I was thinking about getting a trainer, and almost as if god dropped an answer down from the heavens, he told me that he had the best personal trainer right now that he's ever had.  He went on to tell me that he had been through like 30 personal trainers in his life, and that I should just go pay the money and go to this guy.

I gave the trainer a call, went in for a free consultation, and got started going once a week to workout with him.  He talked with me about my diet also and I got started making small positive changes to my diet.  He measured my body fat % and my weight, and I begrudgingly went to see him once a week for three months.  At the 3 month mark I realized that I had lost weight and body fat, and once I saw positive results I liked them so much I never turned back.  It's almost a year later now, and after losing 18 lbs and 7% bodyfat, i'm now gaining muscle and looking better and better everyday.  Since this is a habit, I often don't realize progress is being made until after i've far exceeded my goal.  I feel and look better than I ever have, and though i'm not the strongest guy, i'm the best i've ever been and working towards the best I can be.

The reality:  People who are in shape aren't all try-hard muscle dudes.  Many are actually very healthy, happy people.  I had a limiting belief that because I couldn't get myself into good shape on my own that I would never be in good shape.  That belief "allowed" me to continue being lazy and insecure.  What I know now is that getting in shape does get you noticeably better results with women.  It feels good to see the turned-on look a girl gives you when she feels your body and you can tell it pleases her.

What are you insecure about?  Honestly, how are you dealing with this insecurity?  Are you being realistic about this, or are you fooling yourself so you can be lazy?  Quit this path of laziness, be honest with yourself, and start seeking out any help you need to change.  The only way to get over insecurity is to focus your effort towards change and to gain experience that proves them false.  Your insecurities are reality until you choose for them not to be.

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  1. Man this really hit home. I swore you were talking about me personally because I'm going through almost the exact same thing with a rotation girl now.

    She's hinted at a relationship but I keep saying no until I found out she's talking to another guy. It didn't bother me at first until she started flaking and not responding to the few text messages I sent her. I thought the same exact thoughts of her getting "gorilla fucked" by this guy that I guessed had a huger cock and a ripped six pack for hours.

    I even started doubting myself and questioning if I should conform and get into a relationship so I wouldn't lose her but I now know I'd lose her easier that way. This post also stopped me from sending emotional messages to her out of the anger of my assumptions that she's with the dude now.

    Insecurity : My dick size : I always felt as if I didn't measure up to other guys especially watching porn. I had 2 situations in my past 1) when I had sex with a girl and she said she couldn't feel anything. I was still inexperienced and only had sex like twice. 2) I was a timid guy that asked a much older girl to go down on me in college and she said "I only go down on guys with big dicks"

    How I dealt with this in an unhealthy way: to watch more porn, be afraid to have sex with women because of the fear of being humiliated again and to be envious of guys with huge cocks.

    What Im still doing to overcome this: I've had sex with more women giving them multiple orgasms. I went back to the girl that said she couldnt feel anything and fucked her hard once I knew what I was doing and she loved it.

    The reality: Sex is more mental than physical. If you can turn her on in her mind she'll cum no matter the size of your cock. I also found out that although I keep thinking my dick is tiny in reality it's 7 inches which is supposedly slightly larger than average. It's all based on perspective. What a hut is to one person is a mansion to another.

    Thank you so much for this post Jake!

  2. Glad I could help you out man, and thanks for sharing as well! I think you're getting through something many guys end up learning in the same fashion. I've got a number of friends who have huge cocks, and it's not all it's cracked up to be. It often hurts/damages the woman internally, and many women prefer a normal size. I think if this insecurity isn't already gone, eventually it'll go away completely for you because you understand that it's just not realistic. Thanks for contributing!

  3. Hey Jake, thanks for writing this. It's nice to know that that dating coaches are still human. :)

    I went on a couple of dates with a single mom and actually felt a little insecure because of her kids. There certainly weren't any gorilla-fucking nightmares in this case - more just feeling like I had to compete with them for attention.

    Fortunately, it didn't take me long to realize how messed up that was. Any mom that would make me a higher priority than her kids probably has more issues than I'd care to deal with. I also wouldn't want all that attention anyway. She can barely stand being away from her kids when they spend the night at grandma's house (which is another issue altogether...) and that kind of attachment would drive me nuts!

    There's probably an evolutionary component to that insecurity when you consider that for most baby animals, one of the greatest threats to their well being is adult males of the same species.

  4. Great explanation. Hope this post hits a lot of guys

  5. @Rob - Thanks man. Dating coaches are definitely human. I've seen many a dating coach struggle just as much as normal guys when out and about hunting for tail. Anyone who's a professional at something is generally not better naturally (save sports of course) at the skill, rather, they're just more practiced, studied, and experienced and are better able to make correct decisions as a result.

    I'm glad you were able to understand about the mom and her kids, and you're mindset about not wanting all that attention is SPOT ON! You can't imagine how much Brad, I, and the other UDS coaches talk about and enjoy our time away from our women. If you don't already, soon you'll treasure time away from your woman/women, I know many a married man who CRAVES it.

    @ Tripper - Thanks man! I do to.

  6. Nice post. My insecurities are about health and appearance mainly. I have changed my limiting belief about hot blonde or Latin girls not being attracted to Indian guys. Did this through realizations from sarging experiences that proved the opposite, which gave me confidence to feel better about approaching SHBs, which in turn, obviously, made me feel even more attractive to them, a great upward cycle of change--just my experience. Also I had not heard of you too much then David Shade told me to check you out, glad I did.


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