One of the coolest things i've learned through studying dating is that I can consciously take steps to make myself into whatever kind of guy I would like to be. If i'd like to, I can become a crazy guy, an aggressive guy, a gentle guy, a warm guy, or really any type of guy out there. If I want to be like any guy i've seen or met in the whole entire world, I can. All I have to do is have a great example to go by, understand what "elements" make up that guy's personality, choose which elements i'd like to implement into my own personality, then practice those elements during the course of my social life. Do this, and sooner or later I'm going to become that guy I seek to be.
This idea of growing into the guy I seek to be seems to have been in the back of my mind forever, quietly shaping my life and my decisions on an almost daily basis for a long time now, and it's finally reaping great rewards in my life in the form of pleasure and happiness in both my life and the lives of others. At this point, I can even engineer the experience others get when they're around me through the energy I give out to others when I meet and converse with them. But "Hold on here!"... "Wait a second" you might say. How do I even know who I want to be? Which elements of another guy's character are the best ones for me to implement? And how do we as students make personality changes for the better when we really don't have an idea of what's the best personality to seek to have? Today I wanna take a shot at answering these tough questions by talking about the way i've seen some very famous people act...
So how do I know how celebrities act? Well... lately i've been hanging out with a lot of celebrities and rock stars in and around Los Angeles and i've even dated (or am dating) a couple as well (the celebrities!, not the band dudes you gay-joke-having-asshole). I've even had experiences like hanging out drinking scotch with Kiefer Sutherland until 4:30am shooting the shit. This past weekend I again spent the whole weekend hanging out with both rock and movie stars and i've noticed a pattern in the way charismatic, abundant people act and how they make me feel when I meet them. It's important to understand this because celebrities, rock stars, and people with abundant lives often exemplify not only great social skills and extremely high value, but also the ability to make those around them feel valuable and important, the exact "elements" that I believe makeup a great guy.
So first let's talk about the way celebrities and rock stars act when they meet someone. The first thing i've noticed about people like this is something that doesn't surprise me at all... they feel free to initiate conversation with others in a social circle type of environment. Usually they say something to me like "Hey what's your name man?" and then "Nice to meet you" followed by a question about something they notice about me, usually for me it's "So are you in a band" or "Are you a musician or something?" When they say this it comes across in an extremely warm way, so warm that I can count on both hands the number of people in my entire lifetime that have done it that way. They make eye contact, they smile, they offer their hand for a good solid handshake, and then they attentively listen when I start talking. My guess is that this comes from being surrounded by people who almost always have very high value. The word that comes to mind is they are very "giving" in their energy towards others, and the overall effect of meeting one of these people is that I feel extremely warmly welcomed by them and I feel like they're genuinely interested in what I have to say. It also makes me feel drawn to ask them genuine questions about what they're into as well, and somewhere during this process we'll often make a connection or establish commonality, and when we do our friendship deepens a little bit as a result.
So how can we as awesome guys emulate this type of behavior and effectively engineer the experience others have when they meet us so that they can feel the same way as I did? Well first and foremost remember that celebrities aren't doing cold-approach pickup where they bust out Horsegirl, they're often just doing warmer-type interactions where the introduction can be the opener since there's an established reason for introduction (you're in a small social group where some people already know each other). Since we're doing cold-approach the procedure will be a bit different. I like to open with my normal outgoing in-state energy, then when the people have warmed up to my presence a bit and are comfortable enough for introductions, then I like to go with this really warm vibe. Got it? Cool.
Okay so now let's say you've opened, done a little attraction, and you've done your warm introductions to the people in the group. You remember their name or names and you've given them great eye contact and shook their hand. Now it's time to ask them a question about themselves to show some genuine interest in them. Any generic question will do, because at this point remember that you've already done attraction, so it's time to tone down the "dancing monkey" type of energy and go with something chill (normally this is where we'd also go into logistics). Something like "So what are you into?" should do.
Now that you've got the other person talking, it's time to genuinely listen to the person in front of you and continue to keep them talking using some empathetic listening. Empathetic listening is a technique where when a person's talking, you repeat the last word of their sentance back to them in the form of a question. For instance, if a person tells me something like "I'm really into boating," I might say "Boating?" When done correctly the person you're talking to will feel compelled to continue opening up to you, and when they're opening up, now it's going to be a great time to establish a commonality. So if you're into boating just like they are, now's the time to tell them "Oh that's really cool. I'm into boating too... blah blah blah. Pretty soon you'll be best buddies.
Does all this make sense? Take the above steps and you can really be perceived by people an an awesome, genuine guy. After having learned and practiced this, you will be! And though this blogpost might read very quickly and seem very simple-minded, i'd encourage you to slowly go through this post again and really take it in, because there's a lot here. With the right amount of practice with techniques like this, you can have a profound impact on a person's or people's lives and you can greatly impart happiness and comfort in the lives of those around you. Sure this could be called a "technique" just like many things we teach, but in reality to those you meet there isn't much difference between technique and just plain good social skills.
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Great article, Jake. Some of the most charismatic people I've ever met in my life, really aren't particularly funny or interesting, and they really don't have to say that much at all.
ReplyDeleteIt's all in the way they listen, make eye contact, and really make you feel valued and important. It's almost as if while they are listening to you, there is no one else in the room (or world) they would rather be with.
I've read that Bill Clinton was a master at this and it's why he always came across so charismatically. It's a very important skill and will make people addicted to being around you.