Saturday, September 29, 2012

Home Care Basics

So you're a up-and-coming man and you want to ready your house for glory.  What are the bare essentials you need at your place so that she keeps coming back?  And if you've got those down already and wanna go the extra mile, then what?  For my blogpost today i'm going to tell you all about this stuff, but first i'd like to tell you a bit of a story about what the real bare essentials are...


Upon my arrival into Hollywood, I had a friend who arranged me a $900/month room for the first few months i'd be in town, and DAMN was that a ton of money to me, especially since I only had $500 in my pocket.  So, I showed up in town and put my bag (singular) in my room, and I went on the hunt for a mattress.  After promptly finding a single mattress on the side of the road, I borrowed a single sheet from my new roomate and my room was totally prepared to meet and date women.  The End.

Great story huh?  It's a story worth telling because I think guys often get the impression that they need to have the awesomest shit in the world to impress women, thinking that if they don't then the women won't come back for more with them or won't have sex with them in the first place.  In reality, women have sex with men in all kinds of socio-economic situations and they really don't care as much as the average man thinks they care, especially when the women are young.  Within a couple months of getting to Hollywood, I had a girl I was dating consistently and we slept on that very same bed with that very same sheet.  No special shit in my room, no candles and cologne, nothing.  One clean sheet (kinda clean) and a fucking bed.  She knew my situation, and she knew that it wouldn't be that way for long.  No issues.

"Wait though, is this normal?"  No.  I'm not a normal guy obviously.  The point of telling the story is to demonstrate that with an intermediate skillset and a mattress and a bed, you can get laid a lot if that's your goal.  You can have abundance.  Saying this another way, NOT having awesome shit is no excuse for not getting laid.  That expensive tech-y stereo you've been eyeing will do no better to get you laid.  In fact, if you're an advanced student, you've likely thought something along the lines of "Well who says you even need a bed" in your mind already while reading this.   And if you weren't thinking that... well... we'll get you there.

So... summing this up so far, and to be absolutely crystal clear...  if you have a room and a mattress and a sheet, you're in good shape.  Bring any chick over at any time and don't worry about what she'll think.  Also, don't start making excuses about your living situation before a girl even says its an issue to her.  Instead, just bring her there and go for it.  If and when she says something to the effect of "Ummm, so did you just move here or something?"  Tell her "What?  I've been here 5 years already!"  Then go on to frame control as you deem it necessary.  Tell her you're a minimist.  Tell her you're against possessions. Tell her you're trying to be green.  Just don't act affected.  Got it?

Okay, so you finally got a job and you've got a little more money than I had.  Now what should you do?

First and foremost the thing I recommend in your house is to keep it clean.  Having cleanliness is more important than having nice expensive shit imo.  The first clean thing I would buy is three sets of sheets and some nice fluffy towels.  The idea with three sets of sheets is that when you have sex, instead of having to wash your sheets right away, you can just change them out and wash the previous set whenever you feel like it.  Remember to make your bed in the process.  I like to make my bed every morning when I wake up, so that I have a feeling of accomplishment right away to start my day off.

Even if you don't have lots of women to date yet, it's great practice to keep your bed fresh and clean, and it's a great mental exercise before you sarge to prepare yourself and your room for success, not to mention the comfort she'll feel crawling into a clean bed knowing that the man she's about to sleep with cares for himself and has some self-respect.  The towels just support the overwhelming theme of cleanliness.  I like to have some bath towels, and also maybe some hand towels for ahem, cleanup.  No, I don't hand her a box of Kleenex or a roll of paper towels.

Once your place is clean, the next thing i'd recommend is to have some bottled water around.  It's not going to kill you to spring for some Fiji either, and there isn't a more commonly asked for item from women after sex than water, so having a nice ice-cold bottle of it around that she can enjoy makes for a better experience, and again supports the idea that you take care of yourself and your body.  Remember, healthy is sexy.

"Yeah yeah Jake, i've got some towels and some water.... "  Okay player, calm yourself down.  There are a whole bunch of other things that are nice to have in your room or your place.  The overwhelming theme I use to determine what i'll need at my place is the idea of having anything a girl would need at my house so that she doesn't have to leave.  I also like to have an abundance of these things around.  Here they are in no particular order:

Alcohol:  Keep it basic and classy.  Have one each of Vodka, Tequila (silver), and whiskey at the very least.  Have mixers for them like cran, red bull, coke, diet coke, and soda water.  Also keep both red and white wines.  I like to have the cheap trader joes stuff for after the club and also some nicer bottles for wine/cheese/snack nights where I watch movies with girls.  If you're looking for a great balance of great tasting wine for an inexpensive price, look at a brand called JRE.  It's short for John Robert Eppler.  I'm no wine critic, but I do have plenty of experience through my years of bartending, training on wine from executive chefs and restaurant owners, and drinking a shit ton of everything from $1000 bottles to $2 buck chuck.  JRE is a great wine that for about $20-25 a bottle will do you right in anything from a pinot noir to a cabernet.  And their higher-end wines for $40-50 are even more spectacular (I don't have any affiliation with them).

And a side note:  Even Balvenie 21 year scotch will look like shit to a girl if she's drinking it out of a hubcap, so get yourself at least two each of champagne glasses, red wine glasses, rocks glasses (or lowballs), and collins glasses.   One final note on champagne, if you've got the dough keep a veuve cliquot bottle around, and if not just buy an american champagne, but make sure it says "Methode champangnoise" on it.  This means it's make using the same method that they use in the Champagne region of France, AKA it won't give you a terrible hangover like the cheap shit because several additional steps have been taken to rid the wine of toxins and unnecessary head-splitting crap.

Rubbers:  I prefer to keep rubbers both readily accessible and hidden at the same time, because there's nothing worse than not having one when you need one and there's nothing worse than having one box sitting out that she can count and later ask you why one's missing.  So keep your rubbers in a safe or a place only you know about, and when you're going out for the night, throw a couple in your drawer or next to your bed.  I always keep a few in my jacket pockets as well, and since there's an added level of danger in doing this because women are known to snoop in men's jackets, I like to keep 3 there, and only three.  Never less, never more.  One for right now, one for the morning after, and one in case I break one.

Drugs / cigarettes:  This is a touchy subject for many cause they're illegal.  Nonetheless, drugs can and will get you laid in many cases (if you're cool with having sex with a girl who would partake) and some guys choose to have some around just in case it'll keep the girl around long enough to seal the deal.  I know of a guy who keeps cocaine at his house and has never done it in his life.  He does this because he likes to have sex with girls who will have sex with him for coke.  I know another guy who keeps weed around cause he likes to have sex with hippie chicks and it's a great excuse to get them up to your room.  It's not a bad idea to keep a pack of cigarettes at your house too to either keep a girl at your place or when winging to keep a girl's friend from dragging her out of the house.

Toiletries:  Keep some damn toilet paper and kleenex in stock at your house retard!  When girls start to get the idea that you don't even have that at your house, they hate to come and you'll never know why. This is such a no brainer it's amazing that guys miss it so much.  Also, you might buy a few $2 toothbrushes (individually wrapped) for when a girl stays over for the first time.  Tell her there are a couple there and she can leave it here for when she comes.  This is a simple way to provide the girl with some security.

In addition to all of this, it's nice to have some tampons at your place.  Just buy a multi-pack and keep them under the sink.  If she needs one she'll find the box and take one, even though girls usually have one in their purse.  If she asks you why they're there, tell her "you never know when a woman's gonna need a tampon."

And speaking of the bathroom, let's talk about your piss-stained toilet for a second.  You pee on the rim, sit on the same rim (getting piss on yourself), then you rub your piss-soaked nasty body on her.  This process is worse when you eat tacos all day and spray shit everywhere then later rub it all over yourself again.  Ewwww...Gross!!!  Well i'm not saying that, but she'll think it when she sees anything but a spotless toilet seat and toilet.  Unless she's direct depositing into your mouth for your newest scat film it's best not to have poop around, so clean your damn toilet.

The only other thing I like to have around is a bottle of Aleve for hangovers.

Got all of this?  Most of it is just common sense that guys are lazy enough to overlook, but if you're going to start dating more, you'll need stuff like this to keep your sanity.  Having a clean room, sheets, house, tells the girl that you care about your health and therefore makes you more desirable. Those negative thoughts she might be having about you when she enters your room are eradicated when she starts seeing cleanliness everywhere she looks.  This way she won't ever second guess her choice to come over and engage in any future sexual activities.

Now go take a trip to Target and buy this stuff already!


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2 comments:

  1. How do you keep track of which color toothbrush belongs to which girl? I assume labeling them would be a bad idea...

    This post was a good idea since guys tend to be lazy about this stuff.

    For example, just last weekend I finally got around to replacing a set of sheets I've had for ten years! Sure I kept them clean, but they definitely exceeded their useful life. Looks like I'll be picking up two more sets this weekend. :)

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    1. Maybe put a note in your iPhone or something I'd say. I usually just remember because it's important. I might make a rhyme with her name or create some visual way to remember it, like picturing her in green underwear if her toothbrush is green, something like that.

      Glad you liked it!

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