Saturday, January 3, 2015

How to Not be Creepy

Although we all like to think that we can meet women anywhere and in any situation, the reality is that when meeting women we should be conscious of how the situation we meet the woman in can affect the way she thinks and feels about us.  The last thing we want is to come off creepy simply because we didn't quite think through what we're doing.

Let's take for example a situation where you're trying to meet women at the mall.  I taught a student today who had found a particular "hot spot" for meeting women.  Sharing in his excitement, I asked him to show me what he was doing.  His "method" was to hangout in the mall in a department store at the top of an escalator that delivers women to the women's clothing department.  He would simply hangout on a chair at the top of the escalator and approach women as they got off of the escalator.

On the surface, this type of method seems pretty good.  There are large numbers of women literally being delivered conveyor-belt-style right to him.  But let's examine this from a female's point of view.  She's on a nice shopping trip about to checkout blouses, when all of a sudden BAM!  She's getting hit on by a random dude who's just hanging out at the top of the escalator.

So what's the first thing in her mind when this type of thing happens?  Besides the spontaneity of the conversation, she'll quickly be asking herself (and probably you) what exactly you're doing just chilling at the top of the escalator in the women's section.  Are you waiting for someone?  Are you shopping for women's clothing?  Whatever your reason might be, I argue that it had better be a plausible one or the girl is likely to reason that you're just simply creepy.  In other words:

If you don't have at least a somewhat obvious or plausible reason to be where you are or meet a girl in the way you are planning on meeting her, then you'll most often be categorized as creepy.  

I suggested to my student today that he'd have a better shot with women in the same department if he was actively browsing through clothing.  This way if he was even 4 or 5 racks away from her he could get her attention by a simple "Pssst!" and a wave of her hand to come over to him.  Then when she comes over he could have a story like "Hey, can you help me for a second here... I feel like an idiot.  Last night a guy bumped into me at a restaurant bar and I spilled wine on my sister's blouse, so instead of just buying a gift certificate or something I had the bright idea of trying to buy her something nice myself to kinda make up for it.  Then I got here and realized it was a terrible idea to try and buy clothing for my sister, so now I just feel dumb..."

Is this the best story?  No.  Do I recommend this as the best way ever to meet women?  No.  In fact, please don't immediately go out and learn this story verbatim because "Jake recommended it on his blog."  I don't.  But at least it answers the question of what exactly i'm doing hanging out looking at women's clothing, and it gives the girl a glimpse into my mind and shows that i'm a thoughtful guy who comes from a good family and doesn't take himself too seriously.  Not a bad start.

So if you're considering new ways to meet women, make sure what you're doing is a plausible normal thing that people do or that you have a decent explanation for why you are where you are.  If you're in a bookstore and you're looking at books in the Bonsai Tree section and she picks up one too, there really isn't a need for explanation.  You're a Bonsai lover and so is she.  Get it?  But if you're in the busty ladies section at Victoria's secret walking around with a boner, make sure you have a good reason why.

Happy New Year guys!  More to come...


  1. Hey Jake,

    What explanation do you like for going out alone at night?

    When I look around and see everyone else in groups, it doesn't seem like "a plausible normal thing that people do," and I imagine that whatever explanation I give people hear "because I'm a loser and don't have any friends to go out with."

    I can see being on vacation or recently moving as legitimate explanations, but what about someone who has lived in one place for a couple years and just never bothered to meet anyone?

    1. This is a good question, and one that Brad and I spent some time talking about today. First off, if you feel weird going out alone then do your best to stop feeling awkward about it by not telling yourself over and over in your head that it's awkward. It's not. You don't have to apologize for your presence anywhere, and it's not weird to go out alone. You don't have to have an explanation as to why you came to a bar. Duh! Drinking, hanging out, and socializing. Are you not allowed to go to a bar and do those things and talk to whoever the fuck you want??? Last I checked thats why people go, whether they came with others or not.

      A person who thinks it's weird for someone to come alone to the bar probably also thinks it's weird to talk to people you don't know in a bar too. Chew on that one for awhile.

      When I go out alone I almost never get asked about it because i'm meeting people constantly and it seems to women like I know practically everyone in the bar. If I were to be alone and get asked, i'd probably be like "Oh i'm just hanging out. I know one of the bartenders (or owner, etc) here so I thought i'd drop by and say hi." Simple.

      There are a couple schools of thought on the idea of this blogpost and the idea of giving explanations. The first school of thought is that you should never have to apologize for your presence anywhere, and you should NEVER come up with explanations before you go somewhere as to why you might be there. This is Brad's "master frame" about this topic. We use this master frame because students might spend all day coming up with excuses for themselves and that type of behavior can lead them to an overall sense that talking to women and doing cold approach is creepy when it's obviously not. Sometimes students would even give someone an excuse out when the other person never even mentioned the question!!! Ouch.

      Sure, students can act creepy at times, but the act of talking to women itself isn't creepy at all, so never allow yourself to feel like you're being creepy just because you're alone somewhere talking to women. After all, we're only after the 20-40% of women who are going to be attracted to us, and those women aren't likely going to question us or care that much. In other words, if the question does come up, it's not that big of a deal.

      That said, the second school of thought is that if topic of "what are you doing here" or "who are you with" is coming up frequently for you, then and only then it might be time to have something loosely prepared. I would say this approach is for a more advanced student who wouldn't be likely to talk himself out of going out or approaching just because he's alone or the environment might not be ideal.

      So onto your issue specifically. I'd say just use the bartender excuse only when the issue comes up, and remember that when you're doing things right a girl won't even ask in the first place, so make that your goal.

      Excuses for why you're doing something or why you came to a place are only band-aids to be used until your healing is done and people don't ask anymore. If Leonardo DiCaprio was in the bar, do you think people would be asking him why he's there alone? No one would give a fuck.