Sunday, November 20, 2011

How to Tool Bachelorette Parties

There comes a time in every man's life where he walks into a situation and for some reason it seems like the whole room stops and looks directly at him.  It's probably because they did stop and they are looking.  Have you been there?


Usually it's a bar or a party you're walking into or a big group you're about to talk with, but whatever the case there can be a few very disturbing seconds for guy before he talks to the group where he really just wants all the pressure he's feeling to just go away.  In situations like bachelorette parties, this tension can be even worse, and for those of you who aren't quite as confident as they would like to be yet, any quick lapse in judgement could make the whole situation get out of control very easily, so it's often the normal guy's best bet to just try and act as normal and unaffected as possible until the tension seems to dispel a bit.

When opening a big group of women, taking a bold action in front of the group is not only the scariest option, but also the furthest one from entering our mind at all sometimes.  Who's actually bold enough to try to say something to a group like this anyway, and isn't any guy who does say something taking a huge and unnecessary risk when he does?  The reality is that this couple of seconds is a GREAT time to make a BIG first impression, and that impression is best made with an ultra bold polarized type of a statement.  Let me tell you what I do to make a lasting impression with my entrance by giving you a bit of a field report about a bachelorette set from a 1-on-1 training last night...

Last night I taught a one on one training with a recurring student of mine and early in the night we walked in the bar and while kind of assessing the surroundings in the bar we were approached by a bride-to-be who asked us if we would join her and her friends to "do some games that I won't tell you much about but that involve kissing."  Okay fine.  This'll be a great demo and learning opportunity for the student, always is.

I know this gig already very well, and just in case you might not yet, I'll lay it out for you real simple-like.  Bachelorette parties are out to tool on guys for entertainment.  No one's out to fuck anyone.  Yes, they may end up doing it rarely, but that's not the plan.  The plan is to prey on poor unsuspecting dudes for the explicit purposes of validation and the entertainment of the group, and by "entertainment" I mean the use of women's sexual power to dominate a man or men, thereby juxtaposing the terrible bar-type atmosphere and horrible crappy game of the average bar loser with the awesome niceness and marriageability of the dude who the chick's about to marry.  This validates the woman's decision to get married and makes her feel all warm and fuzzy inside that other guys don't offer what her new husband is about to.  As you can imagine, this makes me wanna projectile vomit into most of their faces.  

Unfortunately for them, none of this happens when a bachelorette party meets me.  Instead, my plan is usually to fuck with the whole group, using the bachelorette "YAY!" energy as my grey area and free pass to be extra sexual and dominant with whomever dares to try me.  Any attempted tooling on their part is met with non-compliance from me, followed by sexual aggression that'll make them think twice about their decision to have a "nice" bachelorette party where they tool on dudes..... "I'm the tooler, not you honey."

So back to the wifey-to-be.  She opens us and propositions us to come over and join the group.  We're standing about 10 feet away from the group.  At this point I already know i'm gonna go over and join the group, I just don't want to make it easy on the girl asking me and I don't want it to look like i'm in any way eager to join them.  After all, i'm not really eager anyway cause I know where this is going.  It's going to be a state builder for me, but really the best result would be to peel one chick off the group at the end of the night if they're in-venue dependent or maybe get a phone number that ends up panning out on a later date.

After a bit of convincing from the girl, we head over to the group and it's time for my entrance.  To comply with the bride's wishes would be to just sit down and let her lead the situation, so I wanna start off on the right foot and not comply to that.  I also wanna make a strong impression on the girls in the group that i'm a dangerous guy not to be fucked with, so while walking the few steps over to the group, I try and think of something to say that's pertinent to the situation and social in nature.  If I can't do that, then i'll rely on some material I already know like Ice Cream Cone or something and that'll be good enough I reckon.  In the few seconds i've got before opening the group, I come up with something I think will work nicely and I commit to it 100%, no wavering.  I fully plan on saying something very polarized, so that it's sink or swim, no in-between.  I enter standing tall, speaking very loudly, and looking directly at all of girls in the huge group.  I tell them "Man!  It's a good thing this girl's getting married... cause she's really... really... needy. (they all laugh really loud).  I mean, she was practically begging us to come over here."  

After the laughing, the bride stands up behind the student and I and starts the "games," telling me "Okay, the first thing you have to do is tell me why guys with long hair are better in bed than guys with short hair" (referring to my long hair and the student's shaved head).  What a fucked up question that is!  Obviously the last thing I wanna do is try and tackle that one, so instead I decide to not-comply by labeling her behavior. I tell her "Well that's fucked up.  So after you beg me to come over here now you want me to explain why I'm better than my friend?  He's my friend and he's awesome.  What the fuck?  That'd be like me coming over here and telling you to explain to me why small tits are better than big tits."

The girls chuckle a bit and bride decides to take the lead again, saying "Okay, lets do that.  Hey guys (referring to her girls), why are small tits better than big tits?"  One girl chimes in and says that small tits don't sag when you get older and all the girls agree, so I tell her "Gross, then just your nipples sag, or what?"  I pinch my own nipple through my t-shirt and point it to the ground as I look down at it with a grossed-out face.  Haha.

After this, the next game they want to play is the one that "let's just say involves kissing."  The "game" is where we kiss the bachelorette's face while someone takes a picture.  Gay.  I might as well be kissing her ass, cause that's what they're trying to make it look like.  My student is first and fucks with her a bit by not doing it and instead making the picture look bad.  Not bad, I like it.  This is a pretty common choice to make when you're an intermediate student and you start to realize that non-compliance to this is your best move.

Even better is to do something that makes the bachelorette look bad and feel uncomfortable, something that if taken a picture of will have to be erased anyway.  For this, when it's my turn I basically tower over her, grabbing the back of her hair at the base of her neck and pulling her head back while I lick her face for the camera.  Yup, you read it right, I take my big slobbery tongue and drag it up the side of her face up to her temple until her whole side of her face is wet.  She's astonished (as is the rest of the group) and she doesn't know what to do but laugh (this is what they always do).  I tell the group "Hmmm... tastes like Mary Kay (to me this is old chick's makeup so it's teasing her for being low value)."  She says it's bare essentials and I tell her that MAC makeup tastes the best.  Again all the girls laugh, and now she's the one tooled, not me... even though all I can taste is makeup.  Gross.

From here everyone's laughing and I tell the group "You know, this seems more like a birthday party to me than a bachelorette party."  The bachelorette agrees immediately but diverts me from my plan a bit, instead showcasing for me the penis-straw that she gets to drink out of for the night.  I tell her "What, is that supposed to symbolize the last penis you'll ever suck on for the rest of your life now that you're getting married?"  A chick in the group tells me "No, it's the beginning of her doing that."  Haha, whatever honey.  I'll talk to the husband at the beginning of year three of the marriage and give you a million dollars for every blowjob his wife gave him in year two.  And birthdays don't count.   **Didn't say this, just thought it, haha.**

After the penis straw thing, I continue my last hoo-rah of the night cause quite frankly at this point I was already getting a bit bored with all of this and I wanted to watch the student handle things on his own.  But first I tell the girls "You know, since this is kinda like a birthday...." then I look to the bachelorette and tell her "I know what you need little girl.  Come here."  She comes over and I turn her around so her ass faces me (literally, since i'm sitting and she's standing).  I push her back as to bend her over a bit, then I give her right ass-cheek a nice slow rub and then SMACK!  I smack her with epic force on the ass.  Everyone laughs and is completely shocked, and I've entertained myself a little bit without looking like too much of a bitch boy.

My next step here is to try and isolate which of the women in the group might be into me so I can talk to them and see if I like them.  Really only one girl stands out and she's across a short drink-table from me so I stand up, step right over the table, make a motion with my hands for the two girls to make room for me, and I sit down right in-between them, telling them that it's my turn to "watch the show" (watch my student).  Yes, this can telegraph interest, but at this point because of my image it just looks like a confident move to the girls.  I'm going for what I might want.

When I start talking with the girl, the focus of the group naturally shifts to my student (who ended up doing a nice job) and the bachelorette.  The states drop in the rest of the group, and I just talk normally to the only girl who'd I'd consider humping in the group.  She turns out to be an extremely timid school teacher, so I get bored and the student and I eventually leave.  Our dignity is not only in-tact, our states are raised as well and he's learned some valuable lessons in the process.

The moral of this whole story is when you're approaching bachelorette sets to know what they're often up to so that you can maintain your dignity and not be a dancing monkey of a dude who they chew up and spit out for entertainment value.  Really this goes for women you're approaching in general, it's often just easier in a bachelorette situation to know what they're up to before hand.  Women in bachelorette sets are trying to just have a fun night, unfortunately that often includes trying to group-tool guys for entertainment, so if you make a strong impression on your entrance and thereafter use techniques like labeling their behavior and non-compliance, you might just be able to lead the group and end up having a positive result instead of getting unknowingly tooled in front of everyone.  I'd say good luck, but with this knowledge hopefully it won't be about that.  And for the record, the women we met had a better time that night because we were there and had fun with them.


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6 comments:

  1. Thanks for spelling that out.

    I kind of instinctively knew there was something wrong with bachelorrete parties and avoid them like the plague, but only because the women seem so obnoxious - I never really understood what was going on or why they behaved so badly.

    Last time I was at a bar, they pushed open the mens' bathroom door and took a picture. Since I was using the urinal at the time, my first reaction was to turn and pee on them, but fortunately I resisted the urge - photographic evidence of me peeing on a woman is something I can probably do without. :) You're approach sounds a lot more productive.

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  2. Real interesting stuff Jake, keep it coming! I'm in the USA in about five months time and I'll be taking a workshop or 1on1 for sure so maybe I'll see you then.

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  3. nice. i don't know if being so aggressive is absolutely necessary, i'd just be unreactive, non compliant to crap and very much into my own in the middle of their brouhaha. taking a more outgoing and leading role is something i really have to try out for size.

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  4. just couldn’t leave your website before telling you that we really enjoyed the quality information you offer to your visitors… Will be back often to check up on new posts.

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    1. Thanks! Let me know if there's anything I can do for you guys.

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