Oooh, snap! Thought you were reading a sentence and you got dead-aired. Bam, bitch! Okay i'm just kidding... and yes today's blogpost is going to be about dead-airing. We all know that dead-airing is just not texting a girl back, but what we all don't know is that what's really important in dead-airing is understanding how and when to dead-air, and exactly what mental effect it has on a woman. In other words, when you dead-air a girl, what will she think and when will she think it? What long-term effect might it have on the rest of the relationship? Tune yourself in right now, because my guess is I could have a unique viewpoint on this stuff...
Today I got an email from a student i've been coaching via phone for a few weeks:
Here's my response to Jim
So starting things off, in about your third text to the girl you tell her to call you when she gets back from her trip. It's highly unlikely that she'll do this for a few reasons:
1. You haven't built that level of compliance with her yet where she'll answer the phone for you.
2. She's not invested enough in you that she'll chase you by calling.
3. Women in general like to be asked out and pursued at first for dates/meetups, etc.
Instead of telling her to call you when she gets back, ask her about her trip and how long she'll be there for. Take a mental note of what the exact time period is, or better yet write yourself a reminder in your iphone for when she gets back so you can text her a few days after she gets back. Let the girl go on her trip without pestering her for a first date! It's very easy to look needy here if you're too aggressive.
Why wait a few days? Because the day she gets back she'll be tired and unpacking, the next day there's a small chance she might text you to let you know she's back (and we always want to give a girl time enough to chase us in this manner), and the third day she'll be back in the swing of things more or less and be a bit more open to setting up plans if you text her. You're also not showing neediness by texting her the instant she gets back. Remember, these rules are because you haven't gone out with her at all yet. Other situations where you've possibly been on a couple dates would have different rules.
Your next text was:
You: "Well. Don't pick up any cute dogs with rabies. When you get back I promise i'll show you the best dessert place in (town) even though you hate cheesecake."
I wouldn't have sent this text at all, just omit it completely. The first sentence to me looks like attraction type "work" to me and I don't mind it. It's fun and happy and okay. The second sentence is really bad though in my opinion. I would never ever tell a woman I promise i'll show her the best place in town for something, because this communicates that you place a lot of value on the girl. And since she's not writing you telling you that she's going to show you the best time at something, when you do it you create a value disparity. You're placing a lot of value on her and she's not on you, therefore she's of higher value than you. No bueno.
Worse yet, you've just taken the excitement out of her getting to know you. How? There's no uncertainty to her in how you view her. For women's feelings to grow for a man, they NEED to be able to think about you when you're not around and have some wonder and doubt about whether or not things will happen with you or not. This doubt and subsequent thought about you does a lot of the attraction work for you, because you become more mysterious and unpredictable. When you text a girl that you promise you'll show her the best place ever, she knows beyond any shadow of a doubt that you like her, and you've just killed any excitement or sexual tension there might've been between the two of you.
Instead, i'd say something like "Cool, well have fun on your trip and maybe we'll talk when you get back" or even simply "Cool, well have fun on your trip!" When you say something like this she'll start wondering if you want to hangout with her or if it'll happen at all. That wonder turns quickly into hope, then into attraction. Can you see how now not knowing if you'll hang out with her is a far better play here? Trust me, you texting at all is showing her (or I say telegraphing) enough interest already.
Next, after some time you sent this:
You: I was trying to catch up with you and see if you wanted to meetup for some sweet desserts. I'll be back tonight... it would be cool to meet up tomorrow for brunch (I know a really hip place that I love). And just as a FYI i'm not a foot model as I joked with you about :-) I'm a surgeon... it would be odd to be a foot model or hangout with one lol. And hopefully you are rabies-free
I can take one look at this text and know it's not good simply because there's far too much information in it. It's WAY too long! A text that's meant to re-initiate contact between you and a woman should be far shorter. I'd text something like "Make it back yet?" When she responds to your first text, then send the next one and make it just a hair longer.
After this, your texting gets worse and worse as you beg more and more, and on the whole this texting stream has communicated to her that you're very interested in hanging out immediately.
Now in the beginning of getting numbers, I know it's very rough to get concepts like this. Generally when learning pickup, the progression is that a student gets over-the-top try hard before realizing he can get more attraction with a bit less work. Hard-working students go very far with this and learn to "pepper-in" attraction spikes into their interactions and text conversations from time to time, but getting a feel for when and how to do this takes time. I know it's easy in the beginning not to have many options and to want desperately to capitalize immediately on the ones you do have, but the reality of the situation is that you won't see her for the length of her trip no matter what you do (as you've experienced here).
Overall the biggest lesson to learn here is how to exhibit non-needy behavior even when you really are in some serious need for bush. Brad and I call this "fake it till you make it." Instead of trying to get her out, it's always better not to "show your hand" to her that you like her and would bang her immediately. Let her wonder what's going to happen. This process of not telegraphing interest starts before you meet her (See my post "She's not even in the fucking room") and doesn't really end ever.
To keep the power balance in the relationship, I almost never really tell a girl the full depth of my feelings until very deep into a relationship. In the beginning, I only divulge little tidbits of info one at a time. For instance, if she tells me "I really like you a lot," I might say something like "Really? I don't like you yet at all..." and when I say that I might make a face where I pull my cheeks back and clinch my teeth together like something painful is happening, but with my eyes I look like i'm in trouble at the principal's office, plus add a hint of a smirk. Later on to the same comment I might say something like "I mean I guess I kinda like you, like maybe an eensy weensy bit" and hold my hand up with about an inch between my thumb and index finger like i'm squeezing a grape.
When all this adds up, the idea is that the woman feels like she's chasing me and never quite gets enough of me.
Got all this? Now I want to give you a couple real examples from my life that happened literally yesterday. A few weeks ago I met an Israeli girl, a total 10. Huge tits, gorgeous body, a 10. I've been out with her three times and we haven't had sex yet, probably because she really likes me a lot. It's common for women who are really into a guy and see long-term potential to try and hold off on having sex for a period of at least a few dates and as many as maybe 10 dates, because women have learned that often the best way to really get a guy emotionally invested in them is to try and leverage sexual tension to try and create stronger emotional attachment. Women know that the stronger the emotional attachment, the less likely the man is to have sex with her and then immediately bounce and never see her again. She also doesn't feel like a whore and doesn't waste her time with a guy who's just out for sex.
When women like you and just want to hold off on sex, usually they'll do it in a variety of ways. One big thing women do is just trying not to end up in a location alone with you where the two of you could possibly have sex. Once that naturally has happened and the two of you are alone, you can expect that she'll maybe makeout, but not let you touch her breasts or something. Then maybe the next time you guys are along she'll let you get a little bit further, but maybe still she doesn't wanna have sex yet.
In general, as long as you're both progressing towards sex at a reasonable pace and she's just not shutting you down over and over then I think things are fine. If on the other hand, she moves your hand away from touching her breasts like 4 dates in a row, it should set off your radar that something might be up, like maybe she's sexually unhealthy or maybe she's still on the fence for some reason.
So how do we know if a woman is undecided, or if she's just being a girl and holding off because she likes us? Again, if the two of you are going a bit further sexually than you did the previous time you hung out, then you're probably ok. And for the record, girls to have periods once a month, and they do have "off" days where they just want to chill, so just because you grabbed her boobs last friday and not last night doesn't necessarily mean there's a problem. She is still spending time with you and not someone else.
So back to this Israeli girl. She called me out of the blue last Thursday after work and wanted to grab a bite at a thai place. I met her, but I couldn't hang later cause I had another date already lined up, so I told her maybe we'll hang after my trip.
When I got back Sunday night, I texted her:
Me: What are you up to tonight???
Her: Nothing much... Resting... U?
Me: Same. Wanna hangout and watch a movie at my place?
Her: Well I thought about to go to a theatre
Me: I'm in a pretty chill mood, not sure i'm up for that tonight, i'll probably just stick around here you know
Her: Ok ;)
Seems terrible, right? Why wouldn't I keep trying? And how can I have sex with this girl if I don't take her out? Well, we've seen each other a few times now and haven't had sex yet, so from this time out i'm going to try and escalate things every time that we hangout. I want her to meet at my place and watch a movie so we can at least have the opportunity for sex. On this particular night, I just wasn't up for what she offered.
So here's how this whole thing works. As guys, we can't just hangout with women forever in hopes that we'll get sex. I've seen guys give girls exclusivity and girlfriend status after a month of dating when they haven't even seen the girl's breasts before! They're simply hoping that exclusivity will lead to sex. Ouch. This is a classic "nice guy" covert contract, and if you're even remotely possible of this type of behavior, you should go pick up "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert Glover and give it a read.
At some point in time, we have to get more aggressive with a woman when she's stalling on having sex. First we have to start being a bit more persistent about getting them to a location where things could happen, and when we are in that location finally, then we have to be a bit more sexually aggressive. Note that I say this because most guys don't try hard enough when they're worried she could go away. Remember, she'll say no if it's too much for her, and when she does, take a break for 10 minutes or maybe wait another date to try and steam things up again.
When a girl is resistant over and over to spending time in a private location with you and you know she really likes you, at some point you're going to have to start taking away your attention in order to get hers. As a rule of thumb, if i've been hanging out with a girl like 15 times and we haven't had sex yet, i'm probably just going to be done with it. I'm certainly not down to go out to movies and eat and shit infinitely until forever with no promise of sex. When I start to feel like i've tried hard enough with her, i'll start to tell her no and let her really start chasing me.
Won't it hurt me to not hangout with her? No, it'll only help my cause not to hangout in this case. When our relationship doesn't progress for long enough, I take away my attention. My plan then is to not text her for any reason until she reinitiates contact with me, and when she does i'll try again to hangout privately, and if not, then i'll probably consider just not seeing her again, or cutting off all of my effort until she changes her mind. I simply don't have the time to fuck around with some girl who might be out simply for validation, and I can't spend my time chasing a girl who's indecisive about me or isn't that into me. By taking these actions, I shield myself from a lot of wasted time and energy and thinking about a girl who might be somehow fucked up in some way I won't know until i've wasted LOTS of time. Fuck that.
Another closely related example. My assistant introduced me to her friend (a fitness model with huge fake tits) and we all hungout, then when I asked her to hangout right after texting the above Israeli girl night it went like this:
Me: Finally back! How was your weekend??
Her: Just worked! I just got home
Me: All work and no play makes (her name) a dull girl...
Her: Guess i'm dull
Me: Womp womp :(
Me: Well hey i'm just chilling tonight, was gonna watch a movie. Wanna hangout?
Her: Prob not a good idea. I would like to, but (my assistant) would not be happy about that
Me: I hear you...
Her: I'm treading lightly... I love her and do not want to hurt her feelings.
Me: Worried about things not being on the DL huh?
After this there was nothing more to say. I absolutely in this situation CANNOT try to do any convincing of any kind! Notice when she told me that she couldn't hangout cause she was worried about hurting her friend's feelings, instead of saying "no we could keep it on the down-low" or "she won't find out," I resiste the urge to convince her to hangout and instead i take her at her word and my plan is to literally never text her again ever. If she's gone she's gone, period! Convincing is something only submissive men try and do. Dominant men do the convincing indirectlly using their actions and their value.
The cool part is because I have this attitude with her, it actually is communicated even when you don't think it is. She'll simply very quickly get the idea that she's gone. Sometimes it takes a few days, but in this case she texted me the morning after this exchange. She said "What's up." In other words, this has been so powerful that right when she gets up and around for the day she immediately thinks about it and is compelled to text me out of nowhere. If you've always wanted to know how to get a woman to text you, this is one way.
She wants to feel the good feeling again that she feels when she gets compliance from me! Here's what happens in her mind to get to that point: first she does something she normally does, like testing or whatever her game is. Who knows what she's thinking or if she is, but at the very least she doesn't see a problem coming. When I dead air her, she doesn't know it until 10-15 minutes later when she realizes i'm not texting her back. By the time she goes to sleep she realizes i'm not texting her back that night at all. She feels a bit of loss and might wonder what she did wrong. She sleeps on it, then wakes up the next day, and at some point in time she feels and knows that things have changed. She starts to wonder what will happen next.
Now, instead of the situation being that I was trying to get her like she thought, she has realized that in fact the situation is really that i'm a totally non-needy guy who is very willing to lose her and not pursue her any longer. My immediate and polarized action ensures this, and because that action isn't verbal I don't appear needy or bitter or convincing in nature. As a result, her emotion changes to "Oh fuck i'm losing him!" and she's compelled to pursue re-validation and compliance from me instead of thinking she's above me. Now in her mind i've become a super high-end desirable guy because my actions have demonstrated that i'll leave. What guy would leave like this? Only one with abundance. If he's got abundance, he must be super desirable.
Here's where the rubber meets the road. The reason I can easily demonstrate these types of behaviors to women without fear of losing them is because the reality of the situation is that I can and do attract many women and I will attract others if she goes. In the beginning of learning dating skills it's extremely difficult for me to act this way, but when I started acting like this and trusting in this theory I had, I started immediately experiencing more abundance than ever.
So let's talk percentages. If I try and convince women to stay, sometimes it could work. I might get women! This is the lure of acting this way for other men. The problem is that when they try and it works, they only try harder the next time cause if some was good, more is better, right? Well let's say the percentage of women that the try-hard technique (if you'd call it that) works for is a high 40%. So 40% of women will go out with me when I convince them. Well, if I don't try (using my method above), i've found that the percentage is MUCH MUCH higher. Yes, I lose some women, but the ones that do stay are hooked, and hooked hard. I stay in their thoughts many times per day. The women who went away, what about them? Well, I guess I just assume timing might be off or they've got other stuff going on or perhaps they weren't into me that much anyway, so it's find that they go.
On the other hand, men who do some convincing to have sex with women are immediately taking a submissive role in the relationship. Ouch! The other night in Dallas myself and about 20 people I was with (a couple celebrities included) almost got into a fight in a restaurant. Save the details, after the incident one man's wife brow-beat the fuck out of him for almost entering the fight. She wouldn't stop yelling. He spent the next hour in hell, trying to dig himself out of a hole that only the dominance he doesn't possess is the solution for. It was gut-wrenching to me. I could hardly watch as this woman over and over in front of everyone turned this guy into a huge bitch boy. They were married, too! To me, this is evidence both that the convincing method can "work," but really ask yourself, do you want it to? I see men like this getting divorces and losing their children and half their shit all the time. Don't do it.
So! Back to the point here. A logical beginner student might be reading this and making the determination "Cool Jake, i'll just dead-air chicks all the time then, sweet!" Wrong. Please do not be so lazy as to adjust your game in this manner. Instead, try and do the work of thinking your way through these situations one by one until they become second nature. The hard work now is worth the spoils later.
You see, this is a balancing act. In the beginning we invest 100% into the girl while she hangs back and evaluates us. We walk up, start talking, put on a show, etc until she's attracted enough to want to invest in us. Once she's attracted enough to start investing, we hear things like "What's your name" and "where are you from" that demonstrate this interest on her part. From that point on she'll continue to invest more and more as she better determines our value in relation to hers. When sex happens, you're in good shape and you can assume that she views your value as equal or higher than hers, but before that she'll still be determining your value continuously until sex happens. In some cases your "work" won't have been done yet and she'll continue to assume you're lower value than her. When this happens you'll know it cause it'll come to you in the form of some type of resistance to hanging out or to having sex, and when that resistance comes, I like to demonstrate my higher value using these types of strategies outlined above.
There are, however, cases where the woman's level of investment and her assessment of your value are both low enough that this power play won't work, hence the balancing act. Our job is to get her attracted and invested enough that when this type of move is made, the attraction and connection are enough to sway her towards the thought process above instead of one where she emotionally and logically with withdraws, reasoning that you're not worth further investment. In other words, she won't allow herself to be emotionally compelled enough to invest more and instead she'll just reason something else, like "He wasn't that good anyway," or "he wasn't that hot" or "I wasn't into him that much" etc. and she'll just go away.
Summing this all up, if you've got enough attraction and investment from her, these techniques yield the thought process we want her to have and she'll be emotionally compelled to sleep with you. If you don't have enough attraction and investment from her, she'll be more likely just to leave. Until you try this technique over and over, you'll never know the difference and you'll continue to try and convince girls forever in this manner... and that's a sucky way to get sex, not to mention that even when it works she won't be sold on you and you'll have to continue to try harder and harder and convince more and more forever.
I know it's been a long one today, so thanks for reading! And as always feel free to chime in with any questions you've got. Cheers.
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