Friday, June 3, 2011

How to know where you stand with women.

No time for messing around today.  What i've got to talk about here is serious business for those of you still half-assing things.  Today's topic is burning shit to the ground, making for damn sure that the girl you're into is either in or out.  NO MIDDLE GROUND.  Burn the boats, there's no turning back!

You know this situation well, in fact, you're a pro at it.  You see a girl, maybe she's across the room, maybe she's right in front of you.  Out of a need to "not fuck it up," you tread lightly.  Maybe you're a guy who thinks he's "working on a girl," and that working has been over a month.  You might be a bit afraid to text a girl in your phone because you're wondering "what if it's the wrong thing."  Some of you might be still afraid to approach an attractive girl, and if and when you get her number you might still be afraid that you're chasing too much so you back off.  Finally, there are a huge number of you who aren't hitting on hot enough girls, you've got some mild success, so out of laziness you go with what's easy for you and you deny your own ability to put in the effort to reach out and just take happiness.

I propose a simple solution to your woes my friend, and it's this:

Make a decision right now to put yourself out there with women.  However daunting it may seem, have balls, take action, and let the cards fall how they may.  Quit living your life wondering where you stand with a woman you're interested in.  When you take action, you will know exactly where you stand.  Repeatedly having the balls to take action and accept the consequences will make a man of you.

This concept is deceptively simple, so let's slow down a bit and talk this out.

Case 1:  I'm "working" on a girl.

Usually this happens with a guy when he's not yet skilled enough to attract multiple women on any given night, or even in any given month or year.  When a guy finds a girl who mildly accepts his presence into her life, he often takes it as a sign that she "might" like him.  He'll devote hours and hours to thinking about her, all the while oblivious to the fact that she's likely just being nice to him for a completely different reason.  Creepy.  She may need something from him or be benefitting from his presence through the validation she receives from having constant orbiting pursuers.  Whatever the case, often everyone around except the guy will know that the he's interested in the girl and won't get her.  Please don't be that guy any longer.

If you're in this situation and you believe you're "working" on a girl, it's time to take the blanket off of your head that's keeping you in the dark.  The reality here is that girls accept men into their lives for a variety of reasons, and if a sexual type of energy isn't established very early upon meeting the girl, then there's not a good chance that any guy who comes into a woman's life will be a potential suitor.

The way I see it you've got two options:

1.  Continue "working" on the girl - If you're a guy who likes to learn the hard way and waste time in your life, do this.  Right now your skillset and identity aren't developed enough to deserve a girl like this. If you really do want a shot at her, my advice is to ditch her and not talk with her for a period of at least 3-6 months while you develop your identity and your skillset.  Then you can call her out of the blue to "catch up" and knock her out with your new moves.  This is a realistic possibility, i've done it.

2.  Give it a go right now.  This is the option where you take action to get the girl and she either dates you or is purged from your life.  If you haven't yet, install some sexual tension into your interactions through flirting frames like "you want me" frame, player frame, teasing frames, etc.  I teach all of these in workshops and trainings and they're incredible tools for building and maintaining sexual tension and attraction.

I'm not necessarily talking about leaving a girl with a good opinion of you either.  Often I tell myself in my mind "This girl's either going to think i'm a total creepster, or she's going to be really into me tonight or very soon."  What I mean here is that you should come in guns blazing, and by this I don't mean going direct with her or some other crass bastardization of game, I mean you should use the best material and skill you've got.  Do your best, and if it's not enough, pat yourself on the back for a valiant effort and feel good that you've stepped up to the plate and that you've got balls.

Case 2:  You're afraid to text a girl

This is another very common thing I see in students.  They get a girl's number and they immediately get afraid to text them.  Some guys won't text a girl at all, others will not text back even after they've texted a couple times back and forth.  Still there are other guys who don't get texts returned from a girl in the first week, so they'll ditch the number or not want to continue to text it in the coming weeks.

The reality here is that the phone game of a couple years ago is now converting or has converted completely to text game.  If you don't know it and do it, then you better get to learning cause this is the primary tool used by the best in the game to get the girl.  Gone are the days where you call and she picks up, unless you're dealing with a low-value girl or you live in rural areas where everyone still has pagers on their waists.

If you're feeling fear of texting a girl, the reason you're feeling fear is because you've got an expectation of failure based on your past experiences.  The reality is that this expectation is not accurate.  Brad, myself, and the other coaches have all resurrected numbers from the dead, and I'm talking girls who i'll meet out and they won't text me over the course of an entire month.

Often i'll take a break from texting a girl then be doing random phone game like two months later when i'll come upon her name and say "Damn, this girl never responded to like 6 texts over the course of a month, there's like no way in hell she's going to reply."  Then my new programming kicks in, "Fuck it, i'm burning her to the ground.  I'm texting this girl until I know damn good and well it's not a possibility at all beyond any shadow of a doubt.  I don't give a shit what she thinks of me."

Time after time after time i'll go through a bunch of numbers like this and out pop 10 responses and I get dates.  And remember!  These were "dead" numbers.  But why does this happen?  Well quite simply, just because you meet a girl and it goes well doesn't mean the timing's right for her to end what she had going before she met you.  You might have had an awesome rendezvous and she happens to have a dude at home sleeping in her bed and their at the tail-end of whatever they've got going on.  You just never know.  This is why persistence in texting pays off.

The same thing goes for guys who are afraid to text a girl from the get-go or afraid to text something wrong.  To you guys I say that failure breeds success.  Again, have the balls to take action and learn from your mistakes, and have the where-withall to know that when you get through the failures, your skill level pays off 10,000 fold.  To this day, I can't hardly remember the numbers I got that didn't work, but every single day i'm alive I get to enjoy the skill that i've developed.  That skill comes at a price, and that price is worth paying.  The price is failure.

Case 3:  You're still afraid to approach, or afraid to approach the hottest girls

This one is by far the most common.  There have been volumes written about approach anxiety so i'm not going to deal with that in this post, but what I will say is that you will never ever have a relationship with a hotter girl than the hottest one you approach.  When I was still oblivious to the community and couldn't get results to save my soul, one of my best friends told me something that's stuck with me and probably always will, "Shy don't get you Shit!"

It could be today, sometime in the future, or maybe never, but soon enough you will find either the frustration or the inspiration to get motivated enough to go out and get what you really want in life.  The tragedy that many face is never finding either.  This is why I strongly encourage you to get in touch with what frustrates you or inspires you to make change in your life.  Normally I recommend processing emotions logically to maintain calmness and ability to think on your feet, but when it comes to frustration and inspiration I recommend you stop and really get in touch with them on a visceral level. When you can harness what it feels like to be frustrated or inspired, allow that feeling to grow and amplify.  Nurture it, because it's the seed of your motivation to succeed.  Soon enough it will produce a fire and a passion for change.  This is what personal power is all about.

Case 4:  You're afraid of chasing too much

I'll be honest here.  Being the king of not telegraphing too much interest to a girl and also a former nice-guy, i'm often guilty of this one.  At first, the ability to not chase girls can be somewhat of an advantage in getting women, it can even be a huge one.  However, for me i've gotten solid enough that many girls feel i'm overqualified or unattainable, and it becomes a bad thing for my game when that happens.  If you're a newbie, feeling like you don't want to chase a girl could lead to non-action or even Case 1 above.

In either case, it's important to remember that there are normal dudes all over the world who've got tons of problems (mental, emotional, etc) and are getting women all the time.  Guess what?  They're no better than you, and the girls who have sex with them have an astonishingly high capacity for allowing error.  The truth here is that across the board, dudes are really dumb.  When meeting women, they do terribly dumb shit all the time.  Girls have to put up with this or they themselves wouldn't get the relationships and sex they desire, so what we're left with is a culture where men have an astonishingly high margin for error and women are used to putting up with it to get themselves laid.

When asked about this, A wise old gent (Brad) told me this:

"It's okay to chase some."

Discussion over.

It's time to size-up yourself and be honest about what's going on in your mind.  If you're a guy who's failing to pull the trigger in whatever way, remember that it's better to take action know whether or not you're going to get a girl than to not take action and wonder.  Take ballsy, polarized action and you'll know beyond any doubt where you stand with a girl so you can move on with your life and with the other women you're about to meet.  The habit of taking ballsy action leads to an internalized sense of dominance and greater self-esteem and self-worth.  Harness your frustration and inspiration to start this process and you'll get through this life without the tragedy of never living up to your potential.  Good luck dudes!


  1. Aaaah dude, I still can't fully get over approach anxiety. It's frustrating the s@!#$% out of me ...

    Any suggestions? I know I know ... I read Brad P's "stop being a pussy" post ...

    My mind just gets creative and I just chicken out ... f@#$ my life >.<

  2. How long have you been in the game Irving? If you tell me more than like a year, then it's likely that you aren't going to be able to get over this on your own. I've got three resources for you. The first i'd recommend is heading to a workshop. This should help you get out of the gates and get a good assessment of where you're at and where to go from here.

    Two other resources for you are our "How to Beat Approach Anxiety" eBook, and our Social Freedom exercises. The AA book will tap you into the correct theory on AA, and the social freedom exercises will gauge your level of freedom and give you a perspective on exactly how much more you should work on your own social freedom before you'll be able to comfortably approach on a regular basis.

    Another resource is our online 30/30 club and forum. If you're already a member you'll receive your social freedom material in Month 4 in the mail and your AA book in Month 1. You can also Private Message me personally and I'll take a look at your postings. I'm on there everyday for a couple hours writing and answering students posts.

    Hope this helps you man. Questions?

  3. Oh no! I'm guilty of 1, 3 and 4. I might be guilty of #2, but I don't get enough numbers to be sure...

    Honestly though, #3 is my biggest problem.

    I started 30/30 Sept 2009 and made it through month 4 (113 SF score, but only 57 total approaches which were mostly lame situation openers).

    Then I dropped out to get a divorce. Then I delayed some more for work.

    I started over in April, and have really made a lot of progress on my identity, but as soon as it came time for month 2 I got depressed while I was cleaning all my shit out of the house and put it off again. Now I'm back in the same rut I was in before: I'll go out with the intention of approaching, waste time, spend money and not talk to a singe woman who isn't working.

    I've thought about taking a workshop, but my fear is that if I can't make myself approach on my own that everything I learn on a workshop will be wasted. Or that I'm trying to throw money at a problem that can't be fixed with money.

    Does that make any sense?

  4. Yeah this makes sense.

    The first thing i'd do here is review our "How to Beat Approach Anxiety" book. After that, it's time for you to start working on your social freedom exercises at least two times a week I would say, preferably three. Do this until your social freedom score gets to like 120 or higher. Usually we find that a guy needs like 120 to be comfortable approaching, but obviously the scores are subjective so this isn't always the case.

    The other thing you should do is if you're feeling in-state after doing your exercises, that's a great time to try and do a few approaches. If you feel that you won't do this on your own or can't keep a consistent effort, it's time for a workshop. We'll give you a great jump start into approaching and give you a solid diagnosis of what's going on.

  5. Best way to start a post ever:"Today's topic is burning shit to the ground"

    i busted myself on Number 2... Not texting for fear of messing up... did this recently actually.

    On a flight a month or so ago i started talking to the stewardess, a mid 20s 1/2 black chick, at least an 7.5 (at least). She slipped me her number and a note as i got off the plane saying she'd love to see me when she's in LA.

    i never texted her or called her and I told myself it was because I could care less... and I wasn't really into her.. but in reality i think I didn't want to fuck it up so i didn't contact her at all.

    Funny thing is, looking at it now - the ONLY way to guarantee fucking it up was to not contact her at all, that rules out ALL chances of success haha.

    lesson learned. i'm texting her ass right now. and i'm burning it to the ground.

    great post, keep em coming.

  6. @BBW- great insight man, you're definitely right. Non-action is the worst result of all. You don't try, you don't learn, and you never get the girl. The truth is that non-action is often the result of and ego-protection mechanism as you've said.

    Ego is not an accurate representation of how good a guy actually is or how often he does get laid. Rather, it's often used simply as a tool for establishing dominance amongst other men.

    The guys i've met who get the most amount of action rarely have a huge ego or talk about getting laid because their results speak for themselves, so there's no need to say anything. Often they even make effort towards discretion.

    Ever heard Hugh Hefner talk about how good he is with women? Fuck no! What about Leonardo Dicaprio or George Clooney? Never, yet those guys are pulling tons of ass down on the regular and have been for years and years. BTW, this concept can be backwards engineered into your game. Just be conscious of any ego-boosting types of comments or behaviors you've got and make an effort to remove them from your game. Don't talk about women you've had sex with and try and be super-discreet with other men and women if they do ask you. It will go a LONG way for you.

  7. good post. i think that approach anxiety is not only a "fear of women" thing. It's a deep identity thing... This weekend i have a very weird experience that confirms that:

    me: i'm in the game from 1 yr, 2 MLTR, this week i almost fclose a new one. normally i open 3 to 10 sets by night.

    In the last months, I thought that approach anxiety was completily gone.


    normally i game in bars/clubs for "not-too-rich" people and my game is getting pretty good. But, i'm almost never go to "expensive" clubs with models, VIP tables and stuff like that.

    This WE a friend of mine invite me to that kind of "expensive" clubs in my city (Paris, FR): A lot of guys with tables, 400EUR vodka, and hot girls in slut mode. weird music. peacocked people. etc.

    I felt VERY WEIRD inside. I felt that I wasn't part of the party. Nobody was rude to me. People has a good vibe BUT in my head I felt like I didn't deserve to be there.

    It wasn't a bad night before that club: In the metro before arrive to the club I almost kiss close a girl, that follow us from another bar. but in the "expensive" club, for the first time in months, I DIDN'T OPEN A SET!!!

    It wasn't like "i'm afraid of girls". It was more a "I'm afraid of high status people/They are superior to me"... It's like a BUG very deep in my identity that blocks when i have to deal with VIP tables, hot chicks, and "high status" people.

    it's not my game, it's not fear of approach "girls" generically, it's like a middle class crappy frustrated mentality.

  8. This is actually a very common feeling people have when they come to Hollywood clubs as well. What's going on here is a form of venue anxiety, and clubs actually seek to induce this feeling in people, because when it happens they make a lot of money.

    Here's a short version of how it works: Clubs don't let people in or let in very few guys and tons of girls. A mob develops outside, and people left outside get confused as to how to get into the club. They see hot people going in and they want to go, so they continue to wait. This process induces stress and causes people to try and do anything they can to get in.

    Some guys with access to more money than others will choose to buy bottle service for a ton of money because they want to go inside and that's the only way they're going to go. When they're inside the music is loud, the club is glitzy, and the people are beautiful. This causes more stress, and in-turn the people inside purchase more drinks and the club makes more money.

    To make all of this happen, the club has to create a sense in people that the club is cooler than they are. If they can manage to make people do this, then they're likely to be able to charge more money for drinks and bottle service than it's actually worth. The truth though, is that the club is NOT cooler than you, in fact they need you to make money, or to wait in line and never get in, or whatever. The whole system is a gimmick to induce spending through stress and making people feel inferior, and it works.

    I'd still recommend you go, just do it the right way. Take a couple good looking girls with you there and you'll usually get in for free because you're offering some value to the club. When you get in, have the girls go to the chumpy guys' tables and get YOU free drinks, then enjoy how nice it is to be in the hottest club and get everything for free because your pickup/social skills are good.

  9. I hate the words approach anxiety. They help exacerbate a problem that shouldn't really exist.

    There is NO SUCH THING as approach anxiety.

    You aren't anxious, you're just excited because the girl is hot and your body is pumping some adrenaline into you to make sure it's firing on all cylinders in case you end up having sex.

    When I started thinking like this, I stopped getting anxiety at all before I approached. I realised I was just excited to be out and approaching hot women.

  10. Hey mate, do you write guest posts? I'm looking for new guest posts on my men's self improvement website -

    Have a look and get in touch if you're interested (the easiest way is via the 'Contact QB' page


  11. That will probably work. Getting with Brad on this and i'll get back to you on it.