Tuesday, May 31, 2011

A Student's Big Decision

Hey guys,  I got a question today from a student in the 30/30 club about going exclusive with a kinky girl and I wanted to share it with you because I feel it's an important issue to learn for all guys.  Here it is:

Hi guys, I'm faced with a dilemma and I need some advice.

This is my second go at 30/30 after breaking up with a girlfriend about 7 months ago. In these seven months, I have had a lot of success and have improved my game a lot.

One of my main goals has been to have kinkier and crazier sex, and to find a girl or girls who are into exploring these things with me.

I found this girl.

She's beautiful, sexy, and hornier than anyone I've ever met. She's constantly thinking about sex, and is into being tied up and is interested in experimenting with threesomes and anal sex. I've had the best sex of my life with her, bar none. I've never had a threesome or done bondage stuff and she'd be the perfect girl to explore these things with.

The only problem is that we're falling for each other.

It started out purely sexual, and she knows that I see other girls. But we've realized that we have a great personal connection and share a lot of interests and a sense of humor. She's the first girl I've really cared about since my ex...and I've hung out with a lot of girls in the past 7 months.

She'd be a great girlfriend, but I'm not sure if I'm ready for one again. Since she has realized that she is falling for me, she has said that she doesn't want to hang out anymore so she doesn't get hurt. Now that she has feelings for me, it bothers her that I fuck other girls. When she told me that, I felt really disappointed and sad, and I realized that it meant that I've fallen for her too.

I am thinking about cutting ties with my fbs and being exclusive with this girl. I'm imagining all the fun we can have together doing kinky bondage shit, hunting for girls together and having threesomes, and then just having the enjoyment of hanging out with someone who is a sweet girl, a good friend, and great company. My other fbs (I have 4 others at the moment) are no longer very appealing to me, and I've gotten a little tired of approaching and going on dates lately.

What do you guys think? Should I continue hunting for new girls or should I get as sexually freaky as possible with this chick who I really really like?

Girls like this are why I'm in the game. Sure, getting lots of lays is nice, but even better is getting to fulfill my crazy fantasies. Like playing a show with my band while my hot kinky girlfriend scours the audience for chicks to take home with us for a threesome. In fact, that's probably my number 1 fantasy of all time right there, and this girl is my ticket to fulfillment. Should I throw this opportunity away to keep practicing my game so I can hopefully meet another girl like her later on, or should I take a minute to smell the roses and realize that my game is good enough to get a chick like this so now I can enjoy the fruits of my labor?

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This girl really feels like the jackpot to me and I don't want to miss out. I've fucked 15 girls in the past 7 months, gone on dates and made out with a bunch more...but she's the winner.

I think the best thing for my game right now may (paradoxically) to be with one girl so I can explore the extremes of what is sexually possible. I've never found a girl before so willing and excited to do freaky shit, plus she's absolutely gorgeous and I really really like her as a person.

Here's my Response:

This is a tricky and important situation, where the girl is essentially saying "Hey, do what I want and you'll get X."  If you do what she wants and go exclusive, then she's use this ploy for power again in the future.  Watch out for this happening.  This doesn't mean you shouldn't do it, do as you wish, but often when i'm in this situation I try to find a way to either drag things out a bit and take more time with it or to maintain dominance while still getting what I want.  The reason for this care is because you don't want to shift the power balance between you two too much because it'll damage the future you have with the girl.  

I'm also a bit "confused" here (not really).  This girl wants to be exclusive with you, hates you sleeping with other girls, yet she's "offering" threesomes if you go exclusive?  I don't buy it. 

Take a step back to reality here and try and put your emotions aside for a second.  This girl has serious feelings for you.  You're a prize to her.  You're a rare guy with serious value to offer her.  So serious that she's come up with a strategy to get you, an age-old one.  Her ploy to get you is to tell you that she's not going to spend time with you cause she doesn't want to get hurt.  In the process she's going to pull out the big sexual guns verbally while withdrawling sex from you.  She's good!  I'd say even formidable.  

You've got two options the way I see it:

1.  Agree with her and go exclusive - Yay, her ploy worked.  Now you've lost some power in the relationship and she's established that anytime she wants something from you, she can take away sex in this fashion.  I assure you 100% beyond the shadow of any doubt this will lead to repeated behavior like this forever.  You will be exclusive and in a situation where the girl you're dating has control over the amount sex you get.  Guess what?  This isn't guaranteed to provide you with the threesomes you so desire.  I personally don't like this position, and i'm guessing you won't either.  

2.  Be uncompromising, maintain power, and let her make whatever move she will - Obviously the "scarier" choice here, but IMO the only one.  This is the option where you, knowing and trusting your wiser peers here at the 30/30 forum :), communicate to the girl that you're not ready to be exclusive with her.   If that keeps her from being in your life, then so be it, but you don't plan on doing something you don't want to do simply because she wants it.  The idea is to be calm and unaffected emotionally, yet assertive about what you will and won't do.  My guess is that when you do this she'll have to use her sexual value (aka threesomes) to try and wrangle you down.  Ironically, doing the opposite of what she wants is going to get you what you want.  This isn't based on the way it should be, but the way it really is.  

I'd be like "Hey, I'm enjoying my time with you, but i'm really not ready to be exclusive with you.  If you choose not to see me because i'm not ready, then that's your choice.  I won't really enjoy if that happens, but I'm just not going to do something i'm not ready for just because you are ready for it."

This situation is very tempting, but it's the absolute essence of dominance, control, and attraction theory.  This whole thing is about understanding what you want, and installing copious amounts of happiness in your life.  This takes knowing clearly what you want and being uncompromising in your pursuit of it.  In this case if you do what she wants you'll have to continue to do more and more because you'll essentially change the whole relationship dynamic from you being in power to her being in power.  You want my advice?  DONT DO IT!

At this point in your game you've got what it takes to make this tough decision and stick to it.  Trust that you can handle getting other girls and mentally reframing the situation if she leaves, tell her you're not ready, and watch what happens with her.  

Here's what will happen (and BTW, this isn't a guess, it's extensively field tested):

1.  This girl is NOT going to be able to just leave you.  Remember, you're a very hard to find guy and you offer everything she's wanted for a long time.  You're so valuable, in fact, that she's pulling out her BIGGEST GUNS!  to try and get you. 

2.  She will get emotional, in whatever way she normally does.  Some girls will cry when you make this decision, others will get angry and yell.  Whatever she does, remain steadfast, calm, and uncompromising.  

3.  She will likely tell you that she's leaving/gone forever/whatever.  This is a manifestation of her moment-by-moment emotions.  She can't control them.  

4.  In whatever amount of time it takes her, she will not be able to get over the fact that she couldn't get you.  More so than ever, you're desired by her because she could never get you.  

5.  She will come crawling back, now submissive and chasing more than ever.

6.  You maintain dominance, still have her, and now will not ever lose her if you choose not to.  Really, this means you can literally often have sex with her forever.  

Sometimes in this situation, girls will do what is called a Long Soft Next for Temporary Exclusivity, or LSNFTE (credit Blackdragon).  This means that the girl will next you, or break up with you but not in a hard way.  In exchange, she'll seek a guy who will commit to her.  She'll find a guy like that cause there are plenty, and he won't be as dominant as you (therefore not as attractive as you), and she might be with him for whatever time period it takes for her to realize that Disney movies don't apply to real life.  Some girls will get married even.  However, when you do this, they will always come back to you.  

I wanna re-emphasize and re-enforce the overwhelming concepts that you're dealing with here. 

1.  Attraction - Attraction is all about dominance and submission.  A man's role is naturally the dominant one, and the women's role is naturally the submissive one, PERIOD.  One person is always dominant in any relationship of any kind, gay or straight, and when both roles are fulfilled, mutual attraction results.  The person with the dominant position is responsible for maintaining the power balance in the relationship, and if he/she does not maintain this balance, the relationship will begin it's path towards demise.  

2.  Power - The power balance in any relationship is all about abundance.   Who is less needy of the other person in the relationship?  If you've got true abundance you realize that you can and will be able to find another girl, and you'll be able to have just as good a relationship with another one as you have with this one.  People lose spouses and find new ones every day.  If you're telling yourself "But this one's different," then you're well on your way to not having a good power balance in the relationship.  This will with 100% certainty lead to unhappiness and tribulation.  

To maintain the power balance in any relationship, men use withdrawl of attention, and women use withdrawl of sex.  These are each's most powerful tools.  

3.  Dominance - Dominance is all about knowing what you want and being uncompromising in your pursuit of it.  Do you know what you want out of your relationships in life?  Is it crystal clear in your mind?  If there's any doubt than you've still got some thinking to do.   

4.  Chase theory - Chase theory is how attraction, dominance, power balance, and timing interact in a relationship to produce one person seeking more than the other.  Simply put, a man shows dominance and tentative interest in a women, the woman is attracted to that dominance, and only then should a man show interest.  In this way, the woman has the pleasure of chasing after a man.   In this same way, a man gains security and needs not directly compete with other men.

The bottom line here is that you've got a big decision here.  I would encourage you to do whatever you feel is right, even if that's contrary to my advice.  The reason for this is that either option you have will include a ton of learning, so in my book either option is a success.  Good luck!  And keep us posted on your decision and results...


  1. Hi Jake. Very interesting blog and answer to his question. I could agree to some of this, but as a woman, I have to ask.....when does the the girl get the guy? What a woman wants may be all these ''Alpha things'' but in the end she wants stability from that manly man, to give her a ring and babies. Is that the end result for any of you guys coming out of Brad or Shade's "techniques"? Isn't marriage the end result for most of you guys? Just seems you guys want it to be a never ending game of who is dominant OUTSIDE the bedroom as well as inside.....a screw fest for life with whoever ......
    I honestly do want to know. thanks.

  2. Great question!

    If you're talking about this specific case, the girl would get the guy when he decided he was also ready to be in a relationship with her instead of just when she felt the timing was right.

    More generally, the ideal end result for guys coming out of our system is not going to be the same for every guy, simply because not every guy wants to have a marriage and kids. In the broad spectrum of men studying with us and other companies, some men want marriage and kids, others want to have multiple long term relationships throughout the course of their lives, others have already had marriage and kids and are just looking for companionship, etc. The list really goes on and on.

    Ideally a man comes out of learning pickup having realized some abundance in life, having made himself into a high-quality man, and having informed and educated himself about his options for relationships in the future. In this manner he can make a decision for exclusivity (or whatever relationship option he chooses) fully understanding the decision he's making and having enough abundance to know that he could choose other options if he wanted. I believe that when this happens, him and his partner/s have a better chance of having what they would view as a successful relationship.

    As for us seeming to want a never-ending game of who is dominant and a screw fest for life with whoever? Ummm... No? :)

    Speaking as a guy who's had both a never-ending game of dominance in a relationship and a screw fest with whoever, when I actually became dominant, confident, and secure, I had no need to prove it to myself any longer and I calmed down as a result. I think this is often the case with men, that when they have proven to themselves that they are dominant, they often become secure and only use that dominance minimally when necessary. For me that dominance has calmed down into an up-front attitude about what I will and won't do in a relationship and what I expect from my partner.

    As far as wanting a screw fest for life with whoever, many guys who come to us outwardly say they want exactly that. What I found out after showing myself some abundance was that my desire changed and I wanted a more meaningful relationship with a higher quality woman instead of lots of sex with multiple partners. It's my belief that when faced with the same experience, many men would feel the same way. This is not unlike the situation that women have where an abundance of men would readily have sex with them if given the chance. In both cases, some people choose to act promiscuously and others choose not to. Screwing is still fun though :)

  3. For me, getting married was the only thing I knew how to do.

    I made a lot of bad decisions trying to keep my ex-wife happy and available for sex, and I'm still paying for some of them.

    The main reason I came here was so that no one woman would ever have the power to completely remove sex from my life again. Involuntary abstinence sucks...

    If anyone wants to know if sex is really that big of a deal, the answer is "yes."

  4. Thanks for your input Kevin. Unfortunately your situation is all too common, and in the end it seems its a bad experience in the end for everyone involved. I think you're in the right place, so hopefully your next time around the block will work out much better for you.