Women are slick when it comes to relationships... far slicker and smarter than the average man. I'd say women are not only smarter about relationships on the whole, they're also better informed than their male counterparts. They've figured out a trick to get men to commit, and men everywhere are falling for it, so i'd like to tell you about it today...
You see women soak up relationship advice and experience from their friends and from the variety of relationship advice widely available in our society to women through magazines and media (read: Cosmopolitan Magazine). The male market for dating advice, on the other hand, I wouldn't say is as well developed. Not only do men not talk to each other in depth about relationships as women do, men also usually only consume dating information in the form of Maxim Magazine's few tips here and there, and through blogs and product like those offered through the dating community.
This makes us ill-equipt to deal with simple challenges that women present to us, like the one i'm about to explain right now.
The challenge i'm presenting to you today is one that I have started seeing very commonly in my student's relationships. What happens is that the guy starts dating and sleeping with a girl, then eventually they stop using condoms. After they've had sex a couple times without condoms, the women tells the guy that they need to talk, then she says something along the lines of "Well i've just been thinking if we're not going to be using condoms then we should agree not to sleep with other people."
Although men in this situation often aren't ready for a monogamous relationship, they usually think there's no harm in agreeing to this type of thing, so they often go along with it.
Is this bad? Yes.
Lets talk about a couple reasons why this is a bad idea, then i'll explain to you what the right thing to do strategically is when you're presented with this situation.
1. First and foremost, if you're not using rubbers with a woman, you should be prepared to have a child with her. Is the woman you're dating between the ages of 30 and 45? Well unless you have PROOF that the person you're seeing is using an IUD form of birth control, then the odds are very good that if your woman gets pregnant her plan is just to keep the baby. Girls who are on the pill skip or forget to take their pills ALL THE TIME. Guess what? Now you're a father because you had no control after the woman got pregnant as to whether or not she kept the baby. You think her mom and sisters want her to KILL a baby? No.
The lesson here is that before you have 5 cocktails and throw your bare willy into Princess Droopy Titties, think twice about what you're doing. In fact, think twice BEFORE you even get drunk. I'd recommend putting two or three condoms in your car, motorcycle, and in every jacket you own. If you're not wearing a jacket, then put them in your pants pocket before you leave your house. And in your house, keep condoms conveniently next to any place you might end up having sex.
The more accessible condoms are to you, the more likely you'll use them and prevent yourself a TON of future drama. Sack it up, dummy!
I know, I know... you've been sleeping with her awhile and having unprotected sex feels better, blah blah blah. Again, unless you've been mature enough to have an adult conversation and the preparations necessary before having unprotected sex (doctor visit, waiting the right amount of time before trusting the IUD, etc) then you're on the path towards STD's and babies. The fact is that WOMEN CHEAT. When women cheat, your risk level increases. "Well I know my girlfriend isn't cheating, Jake." Quit fooling yourself. If it hasn't happened yet, wait until she feels a bit emotionally disconnected from you for whatever reason, or on a whim maybe it's a fucking Tuesday, take your pick. This is out of your control.
2. The second reason it's bad to agree to monogamy just because you're not using condoms is that the reason you're being monogamous isn't because you feel for and care for each other, it seems to be because you both want to be sexually "safe." Ouch. If the woman's feelings and love for you haven't quite come to fruition yet, becoming exclusive is a bad idea. Why not just wait and let her wonder what's up with you? She'll think about you more, wonder what's up with you more, then she'll be asking her friends what to do and strategizing, all the while her attraction towards you is growing and growing. In turn, so will your ability to control the tempo of the relationship. Want a woman to fall madly in love with you? Make her work for it! Please don't just give in at her first attempt to get you monogamous, because there's no better way for her to take your commitment for granted.
The solution to dealing with a woman when she tells you that you should agree not to sleep with anyone else because you're not using condoms is to tell her NO. The reality is that when a woman is asking for this type of a commitment it's because she has some uncertainty about where you and the relationship is at, and she wants to feel safe and secure that you're not going to be out banging the world when you're not around her. She also wants permission to be really fucking mad if you do have sex with someone else.
The reality here is that if a woman has to go this route to get you committed to her, then it's obvious that you two haven't been in the appropriate place yet to have an adult conversation about your sex life, so maybe this is a great signal that it's time to do so. And if that's scary to you or doesn't sound like a good idea, then for god sakes immediately tell her that she's right and that you two should start using rubbers again.
But wait, that's not the end of this.
I've seen this exact scenario result in the woman telling the man "Well I don't use condoms with somebody i'm with, so maybe we just shouldn't have sex then." This is a woman who will now use sexual leverage against a man to force this type of commitment. Wow. And guess what? The same woman told the man that "if a baby happens, then i'm okay with that and will assume that responsibility." The reality is that when a woman gets "Baby Crazy" and wants a kid, many women will literally not care how it affects your life, they'll have it regardless of your opinion. You'll have a baby and you'll be paying for it whether you want it or not.
If you can't stand up to this type of pressure from a woman, then immediately run the fuck away from this type of woman before she runs and ruins your life. Because she will. I've seen this slippery slope hundreds of times. You'll end up married, divorced, and paying half your shit to her while some other guy is gorilla fucking her in places of her body you haven't explored yet.
Again, if you can stand up to this type of pressure, the solution is simple. Communicate to your woman that you don't think you're ready for this type of thing until the two of you plan it out like adults. Tell her "We should really think about this type of thing and plan out what we're going to do. We should have a conversation about what will happen if you get pregnant, what type of birth control we should use, and we should mutually decide to go back to using condoms until we've done both of those things. Wanting some premature certainty about each other's sex lives is no reason for us to end up with an unwanted baby and a bunch of drama, so let's just talk about this like adults and take things slow until we're both ready for real commitment."
The above will buy you some time until you've become ready to handle things like an adult yourself and until you're truly ready. Because let's face it, if you were ready you'd have been the one doing the asking...
Questions? Comments? What do you think?