Why People Fail At Changing Habits

We all have habits we'd like to break or start.  Maybe you'd like to smoke or drink less, start working out more, or (for most guys reading my blog) you'd like to be in the habit of approaching more and doing better with women.  But why doesn't that happen, even when we seem to try so hard at it?


In my experience as a dating instructor, i've seen a pattern emerge over the years in students, and it's one i'd like to talk about today.  The pattern is this:  A guy wants to learn dating skills, so he does the normal stuff and starts to learn, then he starts doing some approaches, and since starting to approach and approaching through the bad results is so difficult, he stops.  He simply can't take it.

So why did this happen?  Was it that he just sucked as a person?  Was it that he was just mentally weak?  Maybe he should've done more training?  The answer to all of those is NO.

The reality is that most people have more than enough motivation to start new habits and get into new ways of living, they simply lack the support structure necessary to maintain their habits through adversity.

Did you hear that?  GET YOURSELF A SUPPORT SYSTEM.  This is Step 1.  I'll tell you about Step 2 in a second.

I've found that people who have learned to find a support system or network of like-minded people who are on the same journey as them have a FAR better chance of success in reaching their goals.

So what does that look like for guys who are learning dating skills?  Well, your support system should be composed of mentors, friends, and people who you can talk to frankly and honestly about what issues you are facing and how to get through them.  Part of your support system can even be others online who you don't know and have never seen.  Your support system should be available to you anytime you're having difficulty throughout your growth process.  Again, for dating, this could be a lair of guys learning dating, it could be a friend or two or three who are right next to you when you fail with a girl at the bar, and it could (and should) be composed of mentors (people who know more than you and are willing to share their knowledge).

So once you've grown a network of people to support you on your journey (Step 1), what's Step 2?

Step 2 is to be mature enough to USE YOUR SUPPORT SYSTEM!

Listen up and listen close.  Going it alone is when you're trying to change your life is a terribly stupid and naive choice.  You're practically begging to fail, because anytime you're actively working towards starting or stopping habits you will definitely fail.  You'll probably fail a lot, and people who fail a lot get discouraged and lonely, develop bad self-talk, and then convince themselves of something outside of reality in order to safeguard their emotions and self esteem while they quit trying.  I've seen this process happen over and over.

Today... actually RIGHT FUCKING NOW, I want you to make the decision to develop or grow your support system for changing whatever habit you're working on.  This means call another human being RIGHT NOW on the phone and begin the habit of actively using and leaning on your support system.  If there is one thing I know about people its that we're all very capable of relating to others on a deep level, it's just that we're so stupid we feel like we're burdening others by having those deep and necessary conversations.  Give others a chance to understand you by having the courage to open up in a deep way and allow them to support you.  Watch in amazement as they do.