Thursday, June 23, 2016

Are you having trouble turning phone numbers into dates?

So I wrote the following post in July of 2008. It still applies and I thought you might like it, so here you go....

At some point in your progress through learning dating skills, you might find out that you can initiate conversation with women, attract them, use touch well, and get phone numbers well.  Great!  However, many people that are in this position will get those numbers but convert them into a very low percentage of dates.  I, myself had the "lots of numbers in LA but tons of flakes" problem and at first I got frustrated.  Very soon after I crushed the problem with a huge fucking hammer...

What I found out though is that getting attraction and having good physical touch is enough for the moment you meet a woman, but only THAT moment.  The long-term result of getting her attracted and having done touch perfectly is that the girl will DEFINITELY remember you, but probably not feel CONNECTED with you.  This is why she won't answer your texts or call you back.

How do I get her connected, you ask?  You can establish that connection in a few ways, but right here i'd like to talk about three of them with you.

1.  Establishing commonalities
2.  Conveying your identity with sincerity about what's happening with the two of you
3.  Truthfulness with built-in rapport breaking

So here we go.

1.  Establishing commonalities.  This one's self explanatory, but the basic formula is to get the girl talking, then when she says she did X thing, you're going to say anything and everything that you know about that thing.  In my case, I wear two rings on my left hand.  One's from Bali, Indonesia and the other is from my trip to Ibiza, Spain.  Anytime the girl talks about traveling (and they all do) then I tell them about my travels and how I wear my trips on my hand.  Works wonderfully.  A commonality can be as ingrained as that, or it could be something stupid like "Oh you drink Diet Coke?  No shit so do i.  OMG i'm so addicted to it and I found out through my addiction that everyone who drinks diet coke it addicted.  Crazy huh?"  Done.  Do this well with just one thing that's deeper like my traveling thing and you can get laid from it, or just do it with some smaller things like the diet coke thing.  Calibrate this to the depth, intelligence level, and energy level of the girl and situation and you're golden.  Learn this calibration through trial and error.

2.  Conveying your identity. If you've attracted the girl and kino'd her, but she looks back on the interaction and doesn't know "What you are" (and can't tell her friends) then she won't answer phone calls.  What are you and why will she find out?

In my case, I look like a rocker so girls always ask if i'm in a band, or what I do.  That's the why of why she'll find out.  The "what I am" will come when she asks.  When she does, I tell her the honest story about how and why I came to Hollywood (leaving out the dating thing of course).  I tell her a quick synopsis of important older events of my life and how they lead me to my current situation.  This story shouldn't be super long.

Here's the important part, and the super-successful way that it gets both of us on the same page.  So at this point in the interaction, i've opened, she's attracted, i've been kinoing, and i've established some commonalities.

I usually say something like "Oh, where i'm from X happens or X is how we do something."  This prompts her to ask about where i'm from and what brought me to Hollywood.  Are you with me here?

When she asks, I start to act like i'm going to tell her, then I stop, change my tone to a more genuine/serious one, slow it down and "Are we.....?  (quick pause) Do you really want to know?"

When I say "Are we....?"  I kind of do a back and forth motion from me to her with my hand.  I'm basically saying to her "Are we getting somewhere with this and is this a serious inquiry into my life from somebody who's genuinely interested in me and a possible sexual/intimate relationship OR if it's not then ......."

**Note that this is a great place to isolate the girl!  "It's kinda loud here, let's go over here for a second."**

Does this make sense?  I'll tell you that after the word OR in the previous sentance that I don't know what happens there because I've never heard them say no.  EVERYTIME they get more serious, I "closen" the kino (make it more intimate, like a bf and gf would do) and they get VERY serious about listening to me.  This is a great time to get them to sit on your lap or escalate towards a makeout.  It almost always happens after this.  Are you with me here?

3.  Truthfullness with built-in rapport breaking.  This is a simple concept that TONS of guys REALLY FUCKUP in pickup and when talking with women.  Basically it's this:  Be honest.  I'm not talking about spilling something you shouldn't.  I'm talking about being honest about your likes and dislikes.

I'll give you an example:  The girl says something like "I like the band Nickelback.  They're my favorite."  Let's say for a second that you don't like Nickelback (thereby making you awesome).  A lot of guys who hate Nickelback in this situation wouldn't say something like "Fuck that, I hate Nickelback.  They can smoke my pole" because somehow they have something telling them in their head that if they don't like what the girl likes then they won't be qualified to be with this chick and/or she won't like them if they say something negative about something the girl likes.  Instead what comes out is "Hmmm, well they're okay, but I really like X."  Guess what's happened here?  You've accepted her frame in an attempt to gain rapport with her.

This is a pretty subtle thing to pickup on and learn, but it's something everyone learning pickup should understand eventually.  I call it being honest with built-in rapport breaking because you're not going to ever run into a girl who has everything in the world in common with you, so when you actually take the honest road on these types of things and tell the girl your honest opinion, you're essentially breaking rapport with her and inviting her to now accept your frame of, in this case, how sucky Nickelback is.  Make sense? You're demonstrating that you don't care about if she likes you or not (non-neediness), inviting her to try and chase you and accept your frame (dominance).  Do this and observe how many times the girl will be the one who backpedals, saying something like "Well, you're right, they're not the best" or something like that.  She does this because you've shown her that you'll be honest even at the cost of her not liking you, and now that she can't lump you in with all the guys who do this, she's attracted and now doesn't want to lose you!  Wow.  What a great result!  All you had to do was be honest about shit!  I really hope this sinks in with anyone reading because I think it's a fantastic thing to learn.

----------------------Part 2----------------------

Last night I had a conversation with a girl I just started dating who I met at the Playboy Mansion.  We talked about truthfullness in likes and dislikes.  She was describing a guy who she worked with who wanted to take her out.  She said that she knew that he'd been out with two of the girls that she works with, so she decided that she'd "just see if he was cool" and go out with him.

The guy asked her out and she said yes, but as he was getting her number, he said "This is great, i've been wanting to ask you out forever."  Wow!  What a mistake.  She communicated to me that instantly she was like "Oh fuck, what did I do."  This is how quickly a red flag went up for her.  Nonetheless, she felt that she didn't want things to be akward and she reasoned that she'd at least get a free meal out of the deal, so she went out with him.

Here's where it gets scary.  They go out on the date and she tells me this:  "OMG, we went out and you know what I did?  I knew he was going to be a retard so I just sat there at dinner for three hours and I only talked about 15 minutes.  I just made it akward to see what he would say, then I kept saying things like how I wouldn't marry a guy unless he bought me a $300,000 ring and how I like most guys to buy me tons of stuff when we go shopping, and no matter how bad what I said was, he just kept saying stuff like "Well I don't have the money right now but i'm working on my career and blah blah."  It was sooo bad, I just kept trying to say the worst things I could."

At this point, I chimed in and said "Yeah right?!  It's like guys won't say anything bad at all because they're afraid you won't like them or something.  Girls do the same thing to guys!  I usually start saying dorky stuff like i'm really into badminton so I can see what they're going to say next.  It's funny because no matter what you say they always will think it's cool, but all it does is make them super boring."

Is this making sense to you guys?  This girl went on a date with a clueless guy who did a lot of things right, so many so that he got her to go on a date with him.  Sure he messed up by telling her that he had wanted to ask her out for a long time, but she still went out and he had another chance.  What does he do to bury himself?  He doesn't disagree with her ever.  When this happens, it's a red flag to her and so she decides to make it super tough on the guy to see how far she can push him.  In the end, the guy probably has a horribly tough time on the date, gets taken for a dinner, and she goes off and finds someone else.

I wanted to write this up today because it demonstrates how important #3 is from my last post.  Above I talked about how a simple way to break rapport is to be truthfull about your likes and dislikes.  This is similar to what happened with the guy above, but this concept extends far beyond just likes and dislikes.  In this case it was just about sticking up for what you believe is crossing the line.  Above, the girl told the guy that she had to have a $300,000 dollar ring.  I would've instantly told the girl a very important phrase that I learned from a natural friend of mine.  It goes like this:

"Oh god are you kidding me?  You're not one of THOSE, are you?"

Basically i'm communicating that I think what she's saying is rediculous, and that if she doesn't accept my frame that it is rediculous, then i'm going to lump her in with all of THOSE girls who I think are nuts.  The reason that I say this in a question is so that she can qualify herself at the end.  Make sense?  If you've never said the above before, your assignment is to get a girl talking and say this to her about something she says.  Watch what happens.

Now let's talk about how I handled the conversation with this girl and why.

Basically this girl and I have been having copious amounts of sex for the last couple weeks here, so we're pretty much on the same level.  However, that doesn't mean the game's over.  Girls will still test you throughout the relationship about random things like this.  In this case it was an opportunity to demonstrate that I know how this works and that I understand where the girl's coming from.  In other words, i'm on her level or above.  I know that stuff.  It's like building a commonality based on the understanding of how other people aren't as cool as us.  Horribly tacky right?  But very necessary when you're dealing with a higher caliber girl.  In this case, we had already had sex twice before this conversation, and it was powerful enough that right after it she grabbed me, started making out with me, and we did it again.  It must have been a very powerful communication to her.

I hope this provides a little bit of insight into a girl's mind for you guys.  If you already know this, great!  Keep up the good work and maybe (if you feel comfortable) start getting in conversations like this to learn some of the ways that girls are thinking, and if you're new to all of this then that's okay too.  Now that you're aware you can find opportunities to disagree with your girl in a calm way to demonstrate to her that you can't be lumped in with the "retards" like the one above.

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